Bipolar Supporter? Are You Doing This? Do not.
Published: Thu, 06/17/10
Hi ,
How's it going?
Hope you are doing well.
I had a talk with a woman the other day.
We were at an event, and she pulled me
aside and asked if I knew about bipolar
disorder.
I chuckled a little, and said yes.
So she proceeded to tell me about her
brother-figure who has the disorder, and
who is causing her a lot of problems.
She claimed he was compliant with his
medications, but from the way she
described his actions, I think he may not
have been on the right medications for
him.
She told me how he would have outbursts
of anger towards her, and treat her like
she was a scapegoat.
And she told me how his life actions were
not making sense, and how he still behaved
in ways that weren't what they should have
been.
Then she told me something interesting.
She said that all she wanted to do was help,
but that he was taking so much out of her
when she tried to help that she felt like she
needed to break all contact with him.
Does this sound familiar to any of you?
Based off that, I immediately knew two
things about this relationship.
I knew she was enabling him.
And I knew that she didn't have the
personal boundaries set up that she needed
to have.
In case you didn't already know, there is
a big difference between helping someone
and enabling them.
When you help someone, you do things
that are limited.
These are things that might be inconvenient
for them to do themselves, but that aren't
necessary for them to develop coping skills
or other skills and values.
These are also things that don't take away
from you taking care of yourself.
A slight inconvenience on your part isn't
a big deal, every once in a while.
But if it starts draining you of your energy,
then you know you've taken it too far.
It's like driving down a street looking
for a house, and the person you are going
to meet has told you that if you come to
Robinson Street, you have gone too far.
Well, you are driving through your
relationship with them, so to speak, looking
for a good balance.
If you reach the point of exasperation,
then you have gone too far.
Turn the beepers on, it's time to back up.
LOL.
Enabling looks entirely different.
When you enable them, you do things for
them that they should have done for
themselves.
These are things that they needed to do
to teach them valuable lessons and skills,
and unknowingly you have taken that
away from them in your desire to help.
In the long run, enabling doesn't help
either of you.
So what does helping or enabling really
look like?
Well, in everyday life, helping would be
noticing that the grocery store is hiring
and telling your friend who is job hunting.
Enabling would be picking up the
application and filling it out for them.
Believe it or not, I've known people to
do this!
In the world of a bipolar supporter, helping
might look like finding them a psychiatrist
to go to.
Enabling might look like setting up the
appointment and going with them, if this
is something they are capable of doing on
their own.
Now that brings up an interesting point.
If they are the sort that they are not capable
of doing that on their own, then helping
them out with it would be okay.
Enabling will look a little different in
every situation.
Enabling might look like reminding them
to take their medications if they often
forget, but helping would look more like
helping them set up an alarm system that
they can use to remind themselves.
Once again, this depends on the situation.
It also depends on how much the supporter
would have to go out of their way to do it.
If you ever "have" to do something that
makes you uncomfortable or drains you
of your energy to deal with your own life,
then don't do it!
Chances are, this is something that they
need to learn how to do themselves,
anyway.
And if it is simply beyond their means,
then try referring them to someone else
who is more equipped to help them,
instead of helping them yourself.
What are your thoughts on this?
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Well, I have to go!
Your Friend,
Dave
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