You Need to Stop Doing This Bipolar Behavior
Published: Tue, 03/01/11
Hi ,
How are you doing today?
I hope you're doing well.
Today I wanted to write you about something
really, really important. Something you may
be doing that you may not even be aware of.
Ok, ok, enough of the secrecy.
I'm talking about enabling. It's when you do
things for your loved one that they can do for
themselves.
And you think you're helping them, but in reality,
you're really making things worse for them, as well
as for yourself.
It's real easy for this to happen when you're a
supporter of a loved one who has bipolar disorder.
I'm not saying this makes you a bad person or
anything - in fact, it says just the opposite - just
that you may be trying too hard.
Here's an example of an enabler:
Say, the father of a drug addict, and his son keeps
getting thrown in jail, and the father just keeps
bailing him out of jail. This pattern keeps repeating
and keeps repeating.
So the son learns that every time he gets arrested,
he can call his father, and his father will bail him
out of jail. The father is enabling his son to continue
the pattern.
But what would happen if just one time, the father
wouldn't bail his son out of jail? What if he told his
son that from now on, he wouldn't bail him out of jail,
but hoped he would stay out of trouble, but that if he
didn't, here was the name of a bail bondsman?
See what I mean?
In my courses and systems I teach all about enabling,
and how not to be an enabler, because, as you can see
by the example, it can be an easy pattern to fall into:
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In your case, think of some patterns that keep on
repeating themselves. Things that, during episodes,
you keep "bailing" your loved one out of.
Maybe the "lying" (distortions of the truth) you keep
experiencing with your loved one. Or the financial
repercussions that you are left with in the wake of after
one of their episodes.
I've talked about the definition of insanity before:
Doing the same thing over and over, expecting different
results. If you keep repeating the same behavior, then
you are enabling your loved one. And you are not helping
either one of you.
Enabling is "bailing them out." Rescuing them. Not
making them take responsibility for their behavior.
Covering up for them.
It's anything you do that "enables" them to keep repeating
their same old behavior.
See, the thing is, you can't change them. You can't change
their behavior. You can't make their choices for them.
(No matter how much you would like to.)
The only one you can do anything about is yourself.
You can only change yourself. You have got to stop
enabling your loved one. But boy, is it going to be hard.
Any habit that has been going on for any length of
time is going to be hard to quit. But in this case, because
your loved one has become used to you being there in a
certain way, they are not going to take it well when you
stop being there in that certain way.
For example, if they come to you for money after an
episode, and in the past you've always given it to them,
even though they've misspent it during that episode -
they are going to expect you to give them money now.
Well, what would happen if you don't give them money
this time? They are not going to be happy about it if you
don't give them money this time, even if you try to explain
why you aren't giving it to them - that during their episode,
they squandered the family's money, and it just isn't there
to give to them this time.
What if you tell them that they need to take responsibility
for the money they wasted during their episode?
Are they going to be mad? Probably so. Are they going
to understand? Probably not. Is it going to take a few times
to make this a permanent change? Definitely so.
Things didn't get this way overnight and will not become
a permanent change overnight either.
The hard part for you is going to be not caving in. It would
be so easy for you to just go back to the way things were
before - to continue enabling your loved one.
I told you this wouldn't be easy.
But if you really want permanent change here, you are
going to have to stick to your guns. This will eventually
work if you stick to your guns.
Your loved one will eventually learn that they can't come
to you for money (or whatever you've been enabling them),
and that they will have to take responsibility for their actions
and decisions and poor choices.
Then eventually, they will not overspend when they go
into the episode, because they will learn that if they do,
there won't be money for them when they come out of the
episode.
The only way to change the end of the movie is to change
the plot of the movie. You are the director, and you have
control over this.
Take control, and stop enabling your loved one - I know
it will be hard, but I know you can do it, because I have
heard from hundreds of people who have gotten my courses
and have learned to do it, and I know it can be done!
Well, I have to run. I'm looking forward to hearing from
those of you who have done it to help those who want to
stop being an enabler but are afraid to try it.
Please write and tell us all how you've been able to stop
being an enabler.
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Well, I have to go!
Your Friend,
Dave
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