Bipolar: Don’t Say This
Published: Tue, 10/09/12
Hi ,
How are things going for you today?
I hope they're going well.
You know, I get a lot of emails and calls asking
me some of the same questions, and so those
are the ones I try to write to you about, because
you may be dealing with the same issues.
Well, one of the questions I get asked about most
often is what to say and what NOT to say to your
loved one when they're in a bipolar episode.
I got asked this by one woman especially this one
time:
"Dave,
I hope you can help me. I am so frustrated I don't
know what to do. My husband is just so mad at me it
seems like all the time. No matter what I say it always
seems like it's the wrong thing to say like I can never
say anything right. Of course this is only when hes in
a bipolar episode otherwise hes the nicest guy in the
world. But how do I know whats the right thing to say
and whats the wrong thing to say so I don't make him
so mad all the time? Can you tell me? Thanks Emily."
Well, maybe you feel the same way.
Maybe the same thing is happening to you.
If so, know that this is a common thing that happens
when someone who has bipolar disorder goes into an
episode, especially a manic one where they get agitated,
irritable, and angry.
So how do you know what to say and what NOT to
say then?
I can tell you from my own experience with my mom,
as well as from what I've learned from talking to
other supporters and what they've written to me
and told me.
For example, you should never tell your loved one
in an episode that you know how they feel.
This is one comment that can make them very angry
at you.
The truth is that you do not have bipolar disorder, so
there is no way that you can truly know how they feel.
It would be better if you said something like:
"I can understand that you might be feeling [ ] right
now..."
And insert a word like frustrated, or angry, or resentful,
or hurt, or whatever feeling you have noticed or think
that your loved one may be feeling.
This way you're acknowledging their feelings, but you're
not antagonizing your loved one, either.
Especially if you stay calm and say it in a soft voice.
You're showing your support and understanding, but
you're not assuming anything either, which is what
makes them mad at you.
In my courses and systems, I talk about the negative
feelings that your loved one may feel during a bipolar
episode, and how you can know what they are, so that
you can be supportive of your loved one during these
times.
SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
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http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
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http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.survivebipolar.net
Another thing you should never say to your
loved one during an episode is, "You could just
snap out of this if you wanted to," or something
along those lines.
I know you can get really frustrated waiting for your
loved one to come out of their episode, but this is still
not the right thing to say, even if you have to bite your
tongue.
I know I did, when my mom was in her episodes.
I kept thinking things like, "If she loved me, she would
stop this behavior," or, "If she would just try harder, she
could come out of this episode," and things like that."
But I realized that she WAS trying, and that she was
NOT doing this to me personally!
If you say these things to your loved one, you'll be
making a mistake.
These types of comments can truly make them mad
(hurt them) because, well, think of yourself in their
shoes.
If it were you, don't you think if it were that easy, that
you would do it?
It isn't that easy. That's why your loved one is struggling.
You need to be more loving, supportive and understanding.
Try saying something like:
"I know this is a hard thing for you to be going through,
but I just want you to know that I'm here for you."
Your loved one may say things like, "Just leave me alone!"
Or even something as terrible as, "I hate you!"
My mom did that, too.
But you can't take it personally.
It's just part of their bipolar episode.
What do you think?
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Well, I have to go!
Your Friend,
Dave
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