Bipolar: You Better Not Do This
Published: Tue, 07/23/13
Hi,
How's it going for you today?
I hope it's a good day for you.
I recently heard a story about a woman whose
husband was an alcoholic. And she was frustrated
(and all sorts of other negative feelings) because
of it.
The biggest thing she felt, though, was anger and
resentment toward him because she had to keep
"covering up" for his behavior.
He would do something when he was drunk, and
she would have to "bail" him out of it.
In fact, one time she actually did.
She had to bail him out of jail after he got a DUI -
drinking and driving.
But she would constantly make excuses for his
behavior.
If he was hungover and couldn't go into work that
day, she would call his boss and make up some
excuse for him.
If he was drunk at a family gathering or something,
her "cover up" (excuse) was usually that he was "just
tired."
She even made excuses to herself, to justify her husband's
behavior.
"He's just been stressed out," she would think.
She was even afraid that she might have something to
do with the reason why he drank, so she made more
excuses.
He squandered away so much money on a gambling
spree when he was drunk one time, that his wife had
enough.
She stopped covering up for him, and she wouldn't even
stand for his own excuse for it.
It had gotten to the point where she told him he needed
to take responsibility for his own actions and the consequences
of those actions.
For example:
She told him that if he ever got arrested for drunk driving
again, that she would NOT bail him out.
In other words, she set a boundary.
Now she just has to stick with it - if it does, indeed , happen,
she can NOT bail him out of jail, even if she wants to, or
else he will keep repeating the bad behavior.
Well...
Eventually things got worse, and she stopped covering
up for him at work, so he lost his job.
Their relationship suffered so greatly that even her self-
excuse that maybe she had something to do with his
drinking didn't hold water for her anymore.
She tried to get him to take responsibility for himself and
to go get help, but he refused.
Finally, this woman left her husband.
----------------------------------------------------------------
In my courses/systems, I talk about how your loved one
needs to accept responsibility for their behavior and
consequences when they're in an episode.
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But you might be asking what this story about the
alcoholic has to do with bipolar disorder.
Or else you've seen the parallel between this woman's
story and your own.
When someone with bipolar disorder is unstable, they
can act just like this alcoholic man.
They can go into a manic episode and do all sorts of
things, leaving you to clean up the mess behind them.
You better not do this!
If you keep making excuses for your loved one's bipolar
behavior, you may end up like the woman in the story.
Your loved one needs to learn to take responsibility for
themselves, their actions (in or out of an episode), and
the consequences of those actions.
What if your loved one gets arrested during a manic
episode (for reckless driving, or shoplifting).
What would you do?
The first time, bail them out, probably.
But what if it happens again?
It would be just like the wife of the alcoholic.
Sometimes, the only way your loved one will take
responsibility is if you make them.
If you are not there to bail them out.
If you stop making excuses (or covering up) for
them.
If you set boundaries and limits, and stick to them.
If you make them pay their own consequences.
What do you think?
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Well, I have to go!
Your Friend,
Dave
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