Bipolar: Fighting at Night
Published: Sat, 10/12/13
Hi,
How are you doing today?
I hope your day is going well.
Somebody made this post on my blog, and I
wanted to respond to it to see what you think:
"It is so hard to be positive when my husband
begins to show signs of depression. He does not
recognize it is happening and when I point it out
he gets upset. Then he will begin to say bad things
about my son, his stepson. I try and not answer him,
I try and say we need to stop this conversation. He
usually does this just at bedtime so it is not a time
I can get in a car and leave. I am also exhausted and
he pushes me over the edge. It is just so exhausting.
He will say things that reflect what he is not accomplishing
and place the fault on my children. Then he will sulk
for awhile and then apologize.. same old pattern. So
very exhausting."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
There are several things going on in this woman's
life all at once, so I'll take it one issue at a time.
First, she says:
"It is so hard to be positive when my husband begins
to show signs of depression."
I've heard that before.
In fact, I've experienced it myself when I was trying
to deal with my mom and her bipolar disorder.
But what I had to do was keep my own self and my
mood separate from hers.
No matter what was going on with her, I had to not
let it touch what was happening with me.
Now, I'm not saying that's easy.
It's not.
But in general I'm a positive person.
And I had to try to stay positive and not let what
was happening with my mom bring me down.
So that's what you have to do.
Even though it's hard, you need to try to stay
positive even when your loved one gets depressed.
Don't let their bad mood influence your good one.
Keep a good attitude even if theirs is bad.
It will help if you maintain a positive outlook on
things, no matter what your loved one's outlook is,
especially if they have a negative one.
I discuss this very thing in my courses/systems below:
SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.survivebipolar.net
Then this woman goes on to say that it's hard
because "He does not recognize it is happening
and when I point it out he gets upset."
That's common with a loved one with bipolar
disorder.
One of the things you need to do in your role as a
bipolar supporter is to point out bipolar behavior
in your loved one, such as depression.
You need to do this so they can avoid a full-blown
bipolar episode.
In this way you can work as a team to help manage
their bipolar disorder, and that's an important aspect.
But that doesn't mean that they're always going to
like it when you point these things out.
Sometimes they may even be in denial.
Sometimes they may even want to blame someone
else for their behavior, as this man does.
This is common.
She says:
"I try and not answer him, I try and say we need
to stop this conversation."
These are both good approaches when your loved
one is exhibiting inappropriate behavior.
But look at WHEN he does it:
At bedtime. When she is exhausted.
This can almost be seen as manipulative.
Which is one of the biggest problems that supporters
have with loved ones who have bipolar disorder.
He picks a time when she almost can't "fight
back."
A time when she can't get in the car and leave.
A time when she has to listen to what he has to
say.
This is NOT working as a team.
So what can she do?
I think she needs to call him on this behavior, and
tell him that from now on she will not discuss issues
with him at bedtime, and that she will NOT listen
to him if he chooses to talk to her then, but she
will listen to him at another time.
Then she needs to stick to this limit.
What do you think?
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Well, I have to go!
Your Friend,
Dave
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