Bipolar: Being Manipulated
Published: Fri, 12/27/13
Hi ,
How's your day going for you today?
I hope you're having a really great one.
I got this email the other day that I'd like
to share with you, as it really concerned
me:
"I so often feel like my husband's mother
instead of his wife. I know I'm being manipulated
by him, because if I don't do the things he should
be doing for himself he simply doesn't do them
then blames me. He's not on medication, has only
ever seen a psychiatrist once - didn't go back
because he didn't like what he was told, so now
resists any suggestion of going again, which is
frustrating. I'm now wondering whether all the
years of support I've given him have been a waste.
I'm on the point of leaving him because I am just
so very tired of his games, and it's time he had to
face up to his responsibilities. I worry but think
this is the only way to either get him to face reality,
or if that fails, for me to get a life without the constant
anger, abuse and manipulation. I know he loves me,
and I think I still love him, but it's just not enough
anymore, and our relationship is becoming toxic
for me."
---------------------------------------------------------------
There are so many points that this woman brings
up in her email.
Many are points that other supporters deal with
themselves.
For one thing, she says:
"I know I'm being manipulated by him, because if
I don't do the things he should be doing for himself
he simply doesn't do them then blames me."
I have had supporters complain to me that their loved
ones try to manipulate them as well. In fact, that's
one of the things I go over in my courses/systems:
SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
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But when you do things for your loved one that
they should be doing for themselves, that's called
enabling, and it's something that you really shouldn't
do, because it doesn't help your loved one get any
better.
They should be trying to get as independent as they
can be, and you should be trying to help them get
that way.
And if they're not, they could be manipulating you,
like this woman's husband is.
If so, you need to put a stop to it.
One of the biggest problems is probably what this
woman stated right out in her email:
That her husband is NOT on medication.
We know that although there is no cure for bipolar
disorder, the best hope for your loved one to get
better is for them to be on medication for their
disorder.
But the only way this will work is if they are
compliant - willing to take that medication every
day.
And this woman says her husband isn't doing that.
So, obviously, that is going to lead to some pretty
big problems, which she goes on to talk about.
In fact, she says that she wonders if all her years
of supporting him have been a waste.
You can get to feeling that way when your loved
one doesn't seem to respond to your efforts.
But one thing you always have to remember is
something I continually tell you:
Don't take it personally!
You are a good supporter!
If your loved one doesn't seem to be responding
to your best efforts as a bipolar supporter, it isn't
your fault.
It could be because of them, or because of their
bipolar disorder itself.
Some people just take longer to respond than
others.
You can only do so much, remember that.
Your best is always good enough.
I worry when this woman says in her email:
"I'm on the point of leaving him because I am just
so very tired of his games, and it's time he had to
face up to his responsibilities. I worry but think
this is the only way to either get him to face reality,
or if that fails, for me to get a life without the constant
anger, abuse and manipulation."
Although I can understand her frustration.
Sometimes it does get to the point where you wonder
if your loved one will ever get any better, or if this
is the best it will ever get.
You wonder if this is the way things will always be,
and you're not happy about it.
I always encourage supporters not to give up on their
loved ones, not to give up hope.
But this woman says in the end that this is becoming
toxic for her.
If things are becoming toxic for you, or becoming
unsafe, making you sick, etc., you may have to
consider leaving the situation, at least temporarily
as well. Either way, it is a very tough decision, and
I urge you to think about it very, very carefully.
Maybe even talk to a professional about it.
What do you think?
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Well, I have to go!
Your Friend,
Dave
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