Bipolar: Changing Intolerable Behavior
Published: Wed, 06/04/14
Hi,
How's it going?
I hope you're doing well.
I got this email and wanted to share
it with you:
"I have a question/comment. Dave, you
mention that bipolar disorder comes along
with rages in several different blogs you have
posted. I find this difficult to digest. I have
never accepted the raging and abusing. It is
simply not healthy for the family, as it affects
the atmosphere of a home and makes the nervous
system of the family members very unstable !
Someone with bipolar should be held to the same
standards as someone without bipolar. We cannot
walk in an AT&T store and rage and threaten and
get away with it, nor would we want to. We cannot
throw chairs and typewriters or get up in peoples
faces, just because we feel like it, yet you write that
with bipolar this is part of it. Perhaps no-one has held
the bipolar person accountable for their destructive
behavior. It is not normal and the minute we accept
it as "well they have rages" it is us who have gone
crazy.
Intolerable behavior should never be allowed, especially
when it is used to manipulate you with. Family members
can only take so much crap from one person. And
another thing, there is a huge difference in someone
who has bipolar and has episodes but realizes how they
behave and wants to change their behavior or take the
medications that hold that behavior in check. It is
completely different when a person with bipolar et al,
refuses to acknowledge how their behavior affects other
people around them.
It is not normal to rage. It is not normal to verbally abuse
just for sport. And it should not be tolerated in the name
of "oh well, they are bipolar" or whatever. The behavior
is stuck below 5 years old and that is the awful truth. You
cannot have an adult relationship with someone who
behaves like a pre-kindergartener !"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
First of all, let me say that I agree with this person.
Now, that may sound contradictory, since I have said
what they said I did at the beginning of their email, so
let me defend myself here.
I have said in certain blog posts that bipolar does come
with rages. Manic rages. I'm talking about manic
episodes here.
And it does not happen to everyone, just to many
people.
Now that I've got that straight, let me continue.
Much of what this person said in their email can be
typical of a person in a bipolar manic rage.
They can fly off the handle over seemingly nothing.
They can throw a tantrum in a store.
They can embarrass you in public.
But one thing I think this person is missing that I
do tell people about in my courses/systems is that
you have to set limits and boundaries:
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You have to decide what is tolerable and what is
intolerable behavior and then set limits and boundaries
on what you will take.
Then you have to set up consequences for intolerable
behavior.
The person who wrote the email talked about the
loved one's behavior being stuck below that of a
5 year old.
So, basically, you treat them like one.
If your 5 year old threw a tantrum in a store, what
would you do?
Would you tolerate the behavior?
Or would there be consequences for the behavior
because it is intolerable behavior?
Then gradually they learn not to repeat the behavior,
don't they?
It's the same thing with your loved one.
That's what limits, boundaries, and consequences are
for.
And if they do their job, eventually your loved one
will stop doing intolerable behavior and will learn to
act like an adult, like anyone without bipolar disorder
would act.
Like the person in the email said, about holding the
loved one to the same standards as anyone who does
not have bipolar disorder.
They also point out that there is a huge difference in
someone who has bipolar disorder but realizes that
they have this behavior and need to change it and
someone who doesn't see a need to change their
behavior.
You can work with the one who sees that they need
to change their behavior. The other one is not ready
yet.
What do you think?
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Well, I have to go!
Your Friend,
Dave
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