The Big Bipolar Supporter Mistake Revealed
Published: Thu, 07/02/09
Hi ,
How are you?
You know what's strange. It's rained like
every single day for weeks. It happens
every afternoon.
While it was raining I was thinking
of something....
I know how hard it is to be a
supporter to a loved one with
bipolar disorder, because I am
one, and because I attend so many
support groups, and because I
talk to and hear from so many
other supporters too.
But I also know that we make
mistakes, because nobody is
perfect.
Like Tonya points out, who
posted on my blog.
Here's what she wrote:
"After 5 years of being a Bipolar
Supporter, I have found the
hardest thing is to differentiate
between care giver and supporter
vs. mothering and nurse maid.
Reminding someone who is
bipolar of the things they need
to do each day makes me a nag,
but not reminding them causes
repercussions that affect all our
lives. Where is the line and how
do you keep it?"
------------------------------------------------
One of the biggest mistakes a
supporter of a loved one with
bipolar disorder can make is to
go from supporter to enabler.
I talk about this in my courses/systems
below:
SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.survivebipolar.net
It's just like Tonya was asking,
"Where do you draw the line?"
She's talking about the line
between caregiver and supporter
vs. mothering and nursemaid.
You wouldn't believe how many
times I've been asked this very
same question.
So if you've been wondering it
yourself, be assured that you
are not alone.
Many supporters struggle with
the same problem.
So now that you know what the
line is, how do you keep from
getting there?
Well, let's look at Tonya's situation.
Here's the first clue:
She says that this has been going
on for FIVE years!
She should have done something
about this long before now.
You've heard me talk before about
accepting unacceptable behavior.
That if you do this, your loved
one has no reason to stop the
behavior, and will keep on doing it.
That's when you have to become
a mother and nursemaid.
I mean, why should they expect
any different?
If you keep doing things for them
that they can do for themselves,
that's called being an enabler.
But if they get used to you doing
that, then they won't do things
for themselves.
They'll just let you keep doing
these things.
Then, before you know it, you're
being like Tonya says in her post:
"Reminding them of things they
need to do each day..." and feeling
like you're a nag.
After 5 years, especially, your loved
one should be doing many things
for themselves.
They shouldn't need you to be nagging
them at all.
So where is the line and how do you
keep it?
As a supporter, you need to be the
one to draw the line.
You need to tell your loved one
what is acceptable behavior and
what is unacceptable behavior.
You need to tell them when they
are being lazy, what things they
need to be doing for themselves,
what you will do for them and
what you won't, etc.
Tonya also asked, once you find
the line, how do you keep it?
Simple.
You set boundaries (limits), and
then you stick to them. Kind of
like an "If you...then I..." sort
of thing.
Do you feel like Tonya?
Do you feel more like a mother
and nursemaid?
Or do you feel more like a caregiver
and supporter?
If you feel more like a caregiver
and supporter, what would you say
to Tonya to help her out?
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Well, I have to go!
Your Friend,
Dave
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