Bipolar Supporter? Sometimes You Just Need One
Published: Sun, 07/26/09
Hi ,
Hope you're doing ok.
I got this comment on one of my posts
recently, and wanted to share it with you,
because it is the reason I chose what I did
for today's topic:
"Dear Dave, I love my husband very much,
I just want you to know that. But I just can't
stand the way he acts sometimes! During
episodes is the worst, but even in between
episodes, it's like he's this changed person -
not the man I married. Bipolar Disorder seems
to have taken over his whole life.
Even when he's not in an episode, he's obsessing over when
his next one will be. I've tried to be a good
supporter and a good wife, I really have. But his
moods change so much, and I never know what
to expect. The unpredictability of the mood swings
and episodes is really getting to me. I've been
waiting a long time for my husband to get better,
but he just doesn't seem like he'll ever be what you
call high functioning, or even stable. Help! I just
need a break from him and his bipolar disorder.
Is that wrong? Dianne"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Ok, let's get the disclaimer out of the way first:
You know I'm not a doctor or any other professional,
so I can't give advice on those terms - I can only
offer suggestions and opinions based on my experience
and the experiences that other supporters have shared
with me.
First of all, bipolar disorder does change a person. It
can influence both their thoughts and their behavior.
And, unfortunately, it's a fact that with the disorder
do come mood swings and episodes.
We don't know by her email what her husband is
like during episodes, but we can imagine.
In my courses/systems, I go over every symptom of
a bipolar episode (both manic and depressive), so I
won't go into them here.
SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.survivebipolar.net
But many supporters do get frustrated and even
angry when their loved one doesn't seem to be
getting better.
At times, from the people I've talked to, pretty
much every supporter gets to a "boiling-over"
point like this woman in the email.
Well, sometimes you just need a break.
It's hard to deal with bipolar disorder 24/7 and
expect yourself to be the perfect super supporter
all the time.
The good news is that you don't have to be.
You CAN take a break.
In fact, many supporters regularly take breaks
from their loved one and their bipolar disorder.
And they feel no guilt, because they do it as a
part of self-care. Necessary self-care.
But let's go back to this woman's email for a bit.
She says, first of all, that she loves her
husband but can't stand the way he acts
sometimes.
That's normal for a supporter of a loved one
with bipolar disorder.
Loving the person and hating their behavior
are two different things.
That's why I preach about separating your
loved one from their disorder.
You can still love them, but hate the disorder
(which causes the unacceptable behavior).
When she says, "...it's like he's this changed
person - not the man I married," she is expressing
something that many supporters also express
when their loved one is diagnosed later in life.
If you let it, bipolar disorder CAN take over
your whole life (like she says in the email).
However, you can also choose not to let it.
You need to do things outside of the disorder.
I would tell this woman to do some of the things
that they did together before the bipolar disorder
"took over his life," and try to regain the relationship
the way it was (as much as possible).
Bipolar disorder is not a death sentence! It's just
a mental illness. It can be managed.
And stability IS possible, if your loved one does
the work to reach it. You can't do it for them, either -
they have to do it for themselves.
When she says, "Even when he's not in an episode,
he's obsessing over when his next one will be," well,
many people go through that as well, although it is
only a lesson in futility.
The "normal" times in between episodes should
be enjoyed while you can. Yes, there will most
likely be a next episode at some point, but waiting
around for it to happen is a waste of precious time.
Then she says that she doesn't think her
husband will ever become high functioning, or
even stable.
Well, he won't, unless he does what he needs to in
order to gain stability, and there is nothing in her
letter that states that he is doing that.
And she ends the email with, "Help, I just need a
break from him and his bipolar disorder. Is that
wrong?"
In my opinion, NO, it is not wrong.
Sometimes you do just need a break.
Have you felt like this woman?
What did you do? Did you take a break?
Do you think she is wrong for wanting
to take a break?
PLEASE POST RESPONSES TO THIS EMAIL BELOW
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/bipolarsupporterblog/index.php/bipolar-supporter-sometimes-you-just-need-one/2045/comment-page-1/#comment-13078
FIND OUT WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING ABOUT ME
Visit: http://www.bipolarcentral.com/testimonials
Well I have to take off.
Your Friend,
Dave
===>> Great Resources For You <===
Get Your Own Subscription To This Newsletter
Want your own copy of these daily bipolar
emails sent to you for F.ree? If so, visit:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/register3
Get More Help On Bipolar Disorder
Don't forget to take a look through the
different programs I've put together... each
one is designed to help you with a different
area of bipolar disorder whether you have it or
you are supporting someone with it.
You can see them all and get the details by visiting:
http://www.bipolarcentralcatalog.com
View Past Daily Bipolar Emails For F.REE
Check out my F.ree blog with copies of emails
that I have sent in the past and lots of great
information for you:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/supporterblog/
Get Audio Information On Bipolar Disorder For F.REE
Check out my F.ree podcast. Hear me give
mini seminars designed to teach you information
you can't learn anywhere else.
http://bipolarcentral.libsyn.com