What NOT to Say During a Bipolar Episode
Published: Tue, 08/11/09
Hi ,
Hey, how's it going today?
You know, I get a lot of emails and
calls asking me some of the same
questions, and so those are the ones
I try to write to you about.
One of the questions I get asked
about most often is what to say and
what NOT to say to your loved one
when they're in a bipolar episode.
I got asked this by one woman especially
one time, because she said that everything
she said seemed to be the wrong thing,
that everything seemed to make her
husband mad at her.
Well, maybe you feel the same way.
Maybe the same thing is happening to
you.
If so, know that this is a common thing
that happens when someone who has
bipolar disorder goes into an episode.
So how do you know what to say and
what NOT to say then?
I can tell you from my own experience
with my mom, as well as from what
I've learned from talking to other
supporters and what they've written
to me and told me.
For example, you should never tell
your loved one in an episode that
you know how they feel.
This is one comment that can make
them angry at you.
The truth is that you do not have bipolar
disorder, so there is no way that you
can truly know how they feel.
It would be better if you said something
like:
"I can understand that you might be
feeling [ ] right now..."
And insert a word like frustrated, or angry,
or resentful, or hurt, or whatever feeling
you have noticed or think that your loved
one may be feeling.
This way you're acknowledging their
feelings, but you're not antagonizing your
loved one, either.
Especially if you stay calm and say it in a
soft voice.
You're showing your support and
understanding, but you're not assuming
anything either, which is what makes
them mad at you.
In my courses and systems, I talk about
the negative feelings that your loved one
may feel during a bipolar episode, and
how you can know what they are, so that
you can be supportive of your loved one
during these times.
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Another thing you should never say
to your loved one during an episode is,
"You could just snap out of this if you
wanted to," or something along those
lines.
I know you can get really frustrated
waiting for your loved one to come out
of their episode, but this is still not the
right thing to say, even if you have to
bite your tongue.
I know I did, when my mom was in her
episodes.
I kept thinking things like, "If she loved
me, she would stop this behavior," or,
"If she would just try harder, she could
come out of this episode," and things like
that."
But I realized that she WAS trying, and
that she was NOT doing this to me
personally!
If you say these things to your loved one,
you'll be making a mistake.
These types of comments can truly make
them mad (hurt them) because, well, think
of yourself in their shoes.
If it were you, don't you think if it were
that easy, that you would do it?
It isn't that easy. That's why your loved
one is struggling.
You need to be more loving, supportive
and understanding.
Try saying something like:
"I know this is a hard thing for you to
be going through, but I just want you
to know that I'm here for you."
Your loved one may say things like,
"Just leave me alone!"
Or even something as terrible as,
"I hate you!"
My mom did that, too.
But you can't take it personally.
It's just part of their bipolar episode.
Have you ever found yourself in a
situation when your loved one was in
an episode and you felt like everything
you said was the wrong thing?
Have they gotten mad at you for it?
What did you do?
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Well, I have to go!
Your Friend,
Dave
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