Bipolar Supporter? Are You Making This Mistake?
Published: Wed, 09/09/09
Hi ,
How's it going today?
Today's topic is VERY important,
because you may be doing something
that could be hurting both your
loved one and yourself, without
meaning to.
What am I talking about?
It's called ENABLING.
Enabling is different than supporting.
Enabling is when you do things for your
loved one that they can do for themselves.
And you think you're helping them,
but in reality, you're really making
things worse for both of you.
It's real easy for this to happen
when you're a supporter of a loved
one who has bipolar disorder. I'm
not saying this makes you a bad
person or anything - in fact, it says
just the opposite - just that you may
be trying too hard.
Here's an example of an enabler:
Say, the father of a drug addict, and his
son keeps getting thrown in jail, and
the father just keeps bailing him out of
jail. This pattern keeps repeating.
So the son learns that every time he gets
arrested, he can call his father, and his
father will bail him out of jail. The father
is enabling his son to continue the pattern.
But what would happen if just one time,
the father wouldn't bail his son out of jail?
What if he told his son that from now on,
he wouldn't bail him out of jail, but hoped
he would stay out of trouble, but that if he didn't,
here was the name of a bail bondsman?
See what I mean?
In my courses and systems I teach all about
enabling, and how not to be an enabler,
because it can be an easy pattern to fall into:
SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11
SUPPORTING A CHILD/TEEN WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.bipolarparenting.com
HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
Visit:
http://www.survivebipolar.net
In your case, think of some patterns that
keep on repeating themselves - things that,
during episodes, you keep "bailing" your
loved one out of, like the consequences of
their episodes.
I've talked about the definition of insanity
before: Doing the same thing over and over,
expecting different results. If you keep
repeating the same behavior, then you are
enabling your loved one.
Enabling is "bailing them out." Rescuing them.
Not making them take responsibility for their
behavior. Covering up for them.
It's anything you do that "enables" them
to keep repeating their same old behavior.
See, the thing is, you can't change them.
You can't change their behavior. You
can't make their choices for them.
No matter how much you would like to.
The only one you can do anything
about is yourself. You can only
change yourself. You have got to
stop enabling your loved one.
But boy, is it going to be hard.
Any habit that has been going on
for any length of time is going to
be hard to quit. But in this case,
because your loved one has become
used to you being there in a certain
way, they are not going to take it
well when you stop being there in
that certain way.
For example, if they come to you for
money during a manic episode, and in
the past you've always given it to them,
they are going to expect you to give it to
them in their next episode.
Well, what would happen if you don't
give them money this time? They are
not going to be happy about it if you
don't give them money this time,
even if you try to explain why you
aren't giving it to them - that during
their episode, they squandered the
family's money, and it just isn't there
to give to them this time.
What if you tell them that they need to
take responsibility for the money they
wasted during their episode?
Are they going to be mad? Probably.
Are they going to understand? Probably
not. Is it going to take a few times to make
this a permanent change? Definitely so.
Things didn't get this way overnight
and will not become a permanent
change overnight either.
The hard part for you is going to be
not caving in. It would be so easy
for you to just go back to the way
things were before - to continue
enabling your loved one.
I never said this would be easy, but
in the long run, if you stop enabling
your loved one, they will start taking
responsibility for their own choices
and behavior.
But if you really want permanent
change here, you are going to have
to stick to your guns. This will
eventually work if you are persistent.
Your loved one will eventually learn
that they can't come to you for money
(or whatever you've been enabling
them), and that they will have to take
responsibility for their actions and
decisions and poor choices.
Then eventually, they will not
overspend when they go into the
episode, because they will learn that
if they do, there won't be money for
them when they come out of the
episode.
The only way to change the end of
the movie is to change the plot of the
movie. You are the director, and you
have control over this.
Take control, and stop enabling your
loved one - I know it will be hard,
but I know you can do it, because
I have heard from hundreds of
people who have gotten my courses
and have learned to do it, and I
know it can be done!
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Well, I have to go!
Your Friend,
Dave
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