Bipolar? This Could Be Your Fault
Published: Wed, 09/30/09
Hi ,
How's it going for you today?
I hope everything is well.
I got the following email that
I wanted to share with you:
"My wife has bipolar disorder, and
we fight a lot of the time, because
she says I don't listen to her. Or
because the house isn't clean and
I'm not helping. Or that I don't know
how she feels or what she's going
through. Or just that I'm not
a good supporter. How do I defend
myself against these things? -Dale"
Well, the first thing I would tell
Dale is that I am not a family
counselor or any type of therapist
or professional, so I can only give
my opinion.
But it does sound like there might
be something to this.
Maybe part of it is his fault.
One of these things is a common
complaint from people that have
bipolar disorder:
"You don't how I feel or what I'm
going through."
Dale asks how to defend himself
against this. He can't.
There is no defense toward that
type of comment.
Since we don't have bipolar disorder,
there is no way for us to know
how they feel or what they're
going through.
That's true, but we can still be
sympathetic and understanding
of what they are going through
without having to experience it
for ourselves.
Maybe this guy's wife just doesn't
feel his compassion and under-
standing enough.
When I talk about this in my
courses/systems, I advise you that
you need to be unconditional in
your support - sometimes your
loved one is going to say things
you don't like, but you need to
accept them.
SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
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HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
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Many complaints that your loved
one will have about you and/or the
situation can be blamed on their
bipolar disorder itself.
They will not always have
rational thoughts.
But, let's look at Dale's email again
to see if his wife maybe has a
point, because you may be going
through the same thing with your
loved one.
He starts off by saying that they
fight all the time because she says
that he doesn't listen to her.
He thinks he does, obviously, or he
wouldn't fight about it.
First of all, have you ever fought
with your loved one?
Of course you have.
Even couples where one of them does
not have bipolar disorder fight
sometimes.
But have you ever WON a fight
with your loved one?
Probably not.
Because their impression of the
situation is going to be the opposite
of yours.
So let's see if Dale has any defense.
Hmmm...
Do you think he does?
Because you have probably been
accused of the same thing.
This is a common complaint for
people who have bipolar disorder.
My opinion would be that instead
of fighting about it (and getting
nowhere), he should examine his
wife's complaint to see if there is
any truth to it.
It's easy to assume that you're being
a good listener, but your loved one
may not see you as one.
Your body language may give you
away, for example - like rolling your
eyes if she starts complaining, or
crossing your arms when she starts
talking.
You need to try to actively listen
instead of react.
What this all boils down to is good
communication.
And, instead of being defensive about
it, I think this man should take a good
hard look at how he's communicating
with his wife.
For example, he says she complains
that he doesn't help with the house.
What she's really saying is that she
doesn't feel as if he's supporting her
in that area.
In that case, the situation is easily
resolved if he would just start helping
her around the house more.
Incorrect perceptions of what your
loved one is really saying can keep you
from being an effective supporter.
Try to put yourself in their shoes.
Also, listen to what they are NOT
saying as much as what they ARE
saying.
What would you tell Dale?
Are you dealing with the same
type of complaints from your
loved one?
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Well, I have to go!
Your Friend,
Dave
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