Bipolar? Beware of the Change Trap
Published: Sun, 11/01/09
Hi ,
How's it going for you today?
Today I want to talk about CHANGE.
There's this sort of anecdote that
talks about how a woman married a
man for who he was, then immediately
started changing him into who she
wanted him to be.
Then she wasn't happy, because he
was no longer the man she married!
It's supposed to be funny, but there is
a ring of truth in it.
As a supporter, you are many things
to your loved one.
You wear many hats, so to speak.
So it's important that you keep your
sense of identity because of it.
You have to stay fundamentally "you,"
or you may fall into the
CHANGE TRAP
Many supporters with loved ones
who have bipolar disorder do fall
into this trap.
In my courses/systems, I talk about
change, and what is good change and
what is bad change:
SUPPORTING AN ADULT WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER?
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HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER?
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The Change Trap is when you are so
frustrated with your loved one and
their bipolar disorder, specifically
when your loved one is not well,
that you try to change yourself to
change the situation.
But the trap has you believing that
by your changing, your loved one
will get better, which is NOT true.
There's a difference between changing
to adapt to a situation (i.e., learning
to adapt) and actually trying to change
yourself to change the situation.
When it comes to bipolar disorder, you
cannot change the disorder. It is what it is.
When it comes to your loved one,
you cannot change them. They are who
and what they are.
It's like the Serenity Prayer:
Lord, grant me the serenity to
accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
and wisdom to know the difference
Yes, you have control over yourself.
Yes, you have the power to change
yourself.
But the other things you can't change,
no matter how hard you try.
See, there is good change and there is
bad change.
Good change is when being a supporter
to a loved one with bipolar disorder
brings out the caretaker in you, and
you become a super supporter.
Bad change is changing yourself to
try to change the bipolar disorder.
The change trap might also cause you
to change yourself to try to prevent a
situation (like trying to prevent episodes,
which are going to happen anyway).
This can come from past episodes,
where you may have thought, "If only
I were more attentive [understanding,
supportive, a better listener, etc.],
my loved one wouldn't have gone
into this episode.
Then you start overcompensating by
being overly-attentive, etc.
Bad change is letting guilt cause you
to change yourself.
Changing yourself might cause
problems in your relationship as well -
Like in that anecdote.
Your loved one accepts you for who
you are.
They do not expect you to be someone
you're not.
If you change too much (even though
your motive is to please your loved one),
they may feel that you've become a stranger
to them, and then you may have problems
with the relationship in general, and
communication specifically.
Your loved one may feel that they can no
longer talk to you or open up to you,
which can cause further problems.
You need to stay fundamentally YOU.
You can change to adapt to the situation
(good change), but not change who you
are (bad change).
What do you think of this idea?
Do you think there is such a thing as good
and bad change?
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http://www.bipolarcentral.com/bipolarsupporterblog/?p=2283&cpage=1#comment-14609
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Well, I have to go!
Your Friend,
Dave
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