Your Borderline Loved One is in Pain
Published: Tue, 09/09/08
Hi ,
I hope your day is going well.
Let me ask you a question:
What do you do when you're in pain?
You hurt, don't you?
You're not exactly happy, are you?
You could even lash out at those around you,
couldn't you?
Well, your loved one is in pain.
Maybe they haven't been in an accident.
Maybe they haven't broken an arm or a leg.
Maybe they don't even have a headache.
But they're in pain, nonetheless.
And they're probably taking that pain out on
you, aren't they?
In fact, they may even blame you for their pain.
People with borderline personality disorder will
express their inner pain externally - usually on
those closest to them.
One of the ways your loved one will express their pain
outwardly is to threaten you, either verbally or by their
actions.
Here's what I mean:
One supporter said:
"He came at me with a knife, then turned around and
started making a sandwich."
Another supporter said:
"She would yell at me and call me names and
threaten to call the police if I didn't stop beating
her (I never laid a hand on her, not once)."
Now, this threatening behavior doesn't even have to
be verbal.
Here's what another supporter said:
"She would just stare at me with more hate in her eyes
than I thought anyone could have."
Many, many supporters have written me or told me
they feel like they're being emotionally abused.
First, let me say that my stand on that is that abuse
is abuse, whether it's emotional physical, sexual, or
any other kind. It's just as real, and it's still abuse.
In my main course, I do talk about abuse, and
emotional abuse is one of them:
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I read this book on borderline personality disorder and it
brought up a good point.
It said, "People in pain use revenge to inflict pain upon
others whom they judge as having caused their pain in
the first place."
It sounds like a vicious cycle, but it's just what I was saying
before - that people with borderline personality disorder
will express their inner pain externally.
(Usually in the form of emotional abuse towards you,
because they blame you for their pain.)
So name-calling, blaming, put-downs, humiliation,
criticism, and other forms of verbal abuse are actually
weapons of that emotional abuse, or external
expressions of their internal pain.
And this is all because they're in denial.
Either they won't admit to the pain in the first place,
or they just won't deal with the pain. So because
they won't take responsibility for it, it's easier just
to blame you for it.
The best thing for you to do is to know the truth:
1. Your borderline loved one is in pain.
2. They're in denial of that pain and/or won't
take responsibility for it.
3. They probably blame you for their pain.
4. They externalize their internal pain.
5. They take their pain out on you in the form
of emotional abuse.
The most important thing for you to remember is that
it is their pain, NOT yours. Don't take ownership of
their pain.
Your Friend,
Dave
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