Borderline Supporter? Sticks and Stones
Published: Thu, 09/11/08
Hi ,
How's it going?
I hope you're doing ok.
One of the worst things supporters of a loved
one with borderline personality disorder tell me
about is the humiliation they receive from their
loved one. They say it hurts the most when it's
done in public.
One woman told me a story about how her and her
husband were at a yard sale once. She was looking
at a vacuum cleaner.
The yard sale was pretty crowded, with a lot of
people within earshot. And while she was
looking at the vacuum cleaner, he said (loud enough
for everyone to hear), "What are you doing looking at
a vacuum cleaner? You never vacuum anyway!"
This woman said she felt totally humiliated in front
of all those people, so she just threw down the vacuum
cleaner and ran, crying, to the car.
When her husband came back to the car, he acted
like nothing had ever happened, and was actually
angry with HER for "embarrassing him in front
of everyone," and verbally raged at her not only for
that, but for crying, too.
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I've heard many stories just like that one from other
supporters as well. It seems like a pretty common thing.
Also that if you try to talk to your loved one about it, it
just makes it worse.
Has that happened to you?
Well, here's one answer, and it comes from a supporter:
"He takes great pleasure in hurting me with his words.
But I don't respond any more. Now I'm little Miss
Sticks and Stones."
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Remember the old rhyme we used to say when we were
kids and a bully would pick on us and call us names?
"Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will
never hurt me."
Well, it looks like it works for this supporter!
Maybe that's what you should do.
It is one of the things I advocate in my main course and
resource (below) - to separate your loved one from
the things they're saying to you:
SUPPORTING A LOVED ONE WITH BORDERLINE?
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/report/
NEED HELP EXPLAINING BORDERLINE PERSONALITY?
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/explainingborderline/
Think about what that supporter and I just said.
When your loved one is humiliating you, belittling
you, criticizing you, calling you names, or any of
the acting out behavior they take out on you...
it is all just WORDS!
Words are just Sticks and Stones.
And if you don't let them, they can't hurt you.
I know what I'm asking is hard. I'm a supporter of
a loved one with a mental illness, too, remember.
My mom used to yell at me all the time. Yell and
yell and yell and tell me what a terrible son I was
and everything.
But I knew I wasn't. So I had to learn to let it roll
off my back.
And the way I did this was learn how to separate my
mom from her illness, and to remember that when
she said those things, that it was the disorder talking,
and not her (not the real her).
That's what you have to do. It's the only way to take
the sting out of the hurtful words.
YOU know the truth. YOU know you're not any of
the things that your borderline loved one is calling
you or saying about you. I know that doesn't mean
that it doesn't still hurt, because it does. But YOU
still know who you are and what you are (and aren't).
You know the truth about yourself, no matter what
your loved one says.
Of course, trying to tell them won't do you any good.
In fact, it will just make matters worse (but you
probably know that from experience).
So you have to remember "Sticks and Stones," even
if you have to recite the old rhyme quietly in your
head while your loved one is trying to use words to
hurt you, even if they're raging at you, so that you
can stay calm, so that you don't feel the hurt as bad.
And try not to take their criticism of you personally.
I know that's easier said than done. But try to remember
that it's the disorder talking, and not your loved one.
And always remember that it's your loved one who is
ill, and NOT you - you are ok!
Your Friend,
Dave
===>> Great Resources For You <===
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Get More Help On Borderline Personality Disorder Don't forget to take a look
through the different programs I've put together... each one is designed to
help you with a different area of borderline personality disorder whether
you have it or you are supporting someone with it.
You can see them all and get the details by visiting:
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/offers.shtml