BPD? What Your Loved One Does NOT Hear
Published: Thu, 08/21/08
Hi ,
Hope your day is going well.
I wanted to talk to you today about
communication with your loved one, because
sometimes what you say is sometimes not the
same thing as what they hear, and that could
be the reason for your breakdown in communication.
I'm going to give you some examples, too, so you
understand what I'm talking about. Some of them
you may even have experienced yourself.
Example #1:
What you say:
"I have to work late. I'm really sorry,
but I'm going to have to cancel our plans for
tonight."
What your loved one hears:
"I don't want to go out with you this
evening because I don't love you anymore.
I never want to be with you again."
Example #2:
What you say:
"I'm so proud of my daughter! Yesterday
she hit a home run and won the game. Let's
go to a movie tonight and celebrate."
What your loved one hears:
"I love my daughter more than you. She
is talented and you are not. From now on,
I'm going to give all my love and attention to
her and ignore you."
Example #3:
What you say:
"I had such a great day at work! My
supervisor told me that my presentation
was so good that I might even get a promotion!"
What your loved one hears:
"I'm so much better than you. My job is
so much better than yours. I am good and you
are bad. You are nothing - you are no good at
anything you do."
----------------------------------------------------------
Even though you don't think you've said anything
wrong, your loved one misinterprets what you've
said. It's not your fault; the flaw is in your loved
one's thinking.
The cause for your loved one's faulty thinking may
never be known.
Unfortunately, you can't always watch every word
you say, but sometimes you can know why your
loved one reacts the way they do to what you say.
Just remember, the fault is theirs and not yours.
In my main course and resource below, I talk about
communication between you and your loved one:
SUPPORTING A LOVED ONE WITH BORDERLINE?
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/report/
NEED HELP EXPLAINING BORDERLINE PERSONALITY?
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/explainingborderline/
Also, you need to consider non-verbal communication.
It's not only what you say, but you have to watch
what you're doing when you say it.
For example, even if you're saying the right
thing, if your arms are crossed when you're
saying it, your loved one may interpret it as
threatening.
Or if you're standing in a threatening position,
leaning into your loved one, or standing in their
personal "space," they'll think that's threatening
as well.
It's not so much that you're actually doing anything
wrong - it's that your loved one will THINK that
you're doing/saying something wrong, and will
misinterpret what you're saying.
You also have to watch how you say what you're
saying. Don't use a threatening tone of voice.
Keep your voice soft-spoken, loving, kind, firm,
and supportive.
Don't ever yell, even though they may be yelling
at you, and even though you may want to yell back
at them. Remember that you're the one in control,
even though they may be out of control.
You can still make your point, but your loved one
won't feel so threatened if you do these things.
So, the point is, you not only have to watch what
you're saying to your loved one, you have to watch
how you say it, and watch your non-verbal communication
as well.
Your Friend,
Dave
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