When Your Loved One With Borderline Yells at You
Published: Wed, 10/22/08
Hi ,
How's it going?
One of the worst things you have to face
as a supporter is not knowing what to do
when your loved one is yelling at you.
Here are some things you can do when that
happens:
· Keep your mind on the goal.
When your loved one is yelling at you,
it's hard to keep your mind on your goal.
Ask yourself, what do you really want to
happen? Do you want to try to settle the
problem? Do you want to distance
yourself from your loved one?
You need to focus on your goal. You
need to know what you want and work
toward that.
If your goal is to distance yourself from
your loved one's anger, then you need to
ask for time or leave the room. If your goal
is to settle your loved one down, then you
need to somehow get across to them that
you understand their concerns and ask
how you can help.
· Ask how you can help.
Most likely, your loved one is used to you
apologizing or getting angry when they yell
at you. By stopping to ask how you can
help, you'll force them to think.
They probably won't have any idea how
you can help or what they want you to do,
but by being forced to think about it, they
may stop yelling for a minute to at least
think the question over.
· Don't fight back with explanations.
You're probably used to being on the
defensive when your loved one yells at you.
Explanations are a force of habit for many
of us. We believe that if we can just explain
ourselves, our loved one will see that they
have no reason to be angry. Unfortunately,
this hardly ever works.
Instead, your loved one will probably feel
threatened and see your explanation as a way
to prove them wrong, undermine their beliefs
or avoid your own blame.
No matter how well you might present
your explanation, or how right you may be,
it just won't get you the results you're looking for.
If you really feel as though you need to make
your point, save your explanation for a time
when your loved one is calmer and more willing
to listen to you.
In my main course and resource below, I talk
about ways to deal with your loved one's acting out
behavior. Yelling is just one of them.
SUPPORTING A LOVED ONE WITH BORDERLINE?
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/report/
NEED HELP EXPLAINING BORDERLINE PERSONALITY?
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/explainingborderline/
Another way to deal with your loved one's yelling
at you is:
· Put some distance between yourself and your
loved one.
This does not necessarily mean that you need
to leave the room or even the house. (Although,
if you feel that you are in danger, that is
exactly what you should do.)
You don't want to actually back away or run
away from your loved one, because this can
just make things worse.
People with borderline personality disorder
have been known to follow their supporters
from room to room to continue yelling at
them.
Instead, you should attempt to move away
from them but give your movement meaning.
Walk across the room to grab a tissue, for
example. Or head to the kitchen for a glass of
water.
Do anything that gives you a real reason to move.
By doing this, you can place space between you
and your loved one safely.
One thing you should NOT do, though, is to yell
back at your loved one, even though you may want
to, because this will just make things worse.
Try to stay calm, and use the techniques I've talked
about, and things will go much better for you.
Your Friend,
Dave
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help you with a different area of borderline personality disorder whether
you have it or you are supporting someone with it.
You can see them all and get the details by visiting:
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/offers.shtml