Dealing with Borderline Anger
Published: Tue, 10/14/08
Hi ,
Hey, how's it going?
One of the biggest problems supporters of a loved one with
borderline personality disorder write to me about is how to
cope with their loved one's anger.
Since one of the main characteristics of the disorder is anger
or rage, that doesn't come as a surprise to me, but I do want
to offer some suggestions to try to help you.
I know that when I was still living at home and my mom used
to go into one of her episodes, she used to yell and yell and yell
at me, and it either wanted to make me turn around and yell right
back at her or run as far away from her as I could get.
It took me a long time to be able to cope with my mom's episodes
of anger.
Here's a technique you can try:
· Hear, but do not listen.
This may seem sort of mean at first glance, but it is an
important coping technique. Since you know, on a logical level,
that the hurtful words that your loved one is saying are not really
coming from them or even based on truth, you need to block
out the meaning of the words.
For example, if your loved one is screaming the words "I
hate you" at you, HEAR that they are upset and experiencing
an episode of anger/rage, but do not LISTEN to the words.
Instead, use their screaming as a clue that they are acting out
(for some reason that has nothing to do with you) and try to
ignore the actual words.
Here's something else you need to know:
· Do not argue with your loved one when they are acting out.
During an episode of anger or rage, your loved one will be
experiencing many different feelings. One of these feelings
may be superiority. They will KNOW deep in their heart that
they are right, and no amount of logic and reasoning on your
part will change their mind. So, everything you can say to
counter their thoughts, feelings, or actions will be seen as
combative.
Arguing will only make your loved one feel as though you
do not understand, plus it will cause them to feel and act more
defensive and continue the argument (possibly even making
things worse).
In my main course and resource below, I discuss several different
ways to deal with your loved one's anger as well as their other
borderline symptoms:
SUPPORTING A LOVED ONE WITH BORDERLINE?
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/report/
NEED HELP EXPLAINING BORDERLINE PERSONALITY?
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/explainingborderline/
One of the things you definitely shouldn't do is try to counter
your loved one's arguments with arguments of your own.
Remember when you were little and you tried to talk back to
your parents? It didn't matter if you were right or wrong -
you still got punished, right?
Instead, you need to stay focused when your loved one is
in a state of anger or rage, and wait until they have calmed
down to make your point.
Have you ever tried to reason with a toddler? Especially one
during a tantrum? It doesn't matter how reasonable a person
YOU are, the fact is that THEY are not reasonable!
Try to picture your loved one in the same way. When they
are in an episode of anger or rage, they are not thinking right.
It's like they're throwing a tantrum. And you absolutely
cannot reason with them at that time.
Remember, also, when you were dealing with a child
throwing a temper tantrum, you would never reward that
type of behavior.
So don't reward your loved one's, either. Don't give them
what they want, which is attention, or feed into their
anger.
The less you respond to their anger, the sooner the "storm"
will be over, and your loved one will calm down.
Instead of taking part in the argument, try to distance
yourself from your loved one's emotions and concentrate
on concrete actions you can take to improve the situation.
Although you may want to run away from your loved one
when they are yelling at you like I wanted to when my
mom yelled at me, unfortunately that's one of the worst
things you can do.
I've heard of situations where the person with borderline
personality disorder kept chasing their supporter from
room to room screaming at them endlessly!
One last suggestion I will offer, though, is that instead
of running away (no matter how much you want to),
try to emotionally and even physically distance yourself
from your loved one.
What I mean by that is that you don't react in anger.
Try to stay calm.
Or you can say things like, "Give me a minute to think
about that."
Or you can make excuses like, "I'm going to get a
glass of water," giving yourself a short break from
the yelling.
Unfortunately, sometimes the only thing you can do
is hold on and hope for the best.
But the "storm" does always does pass, and your loved
one's episode of acting out behavior will always go back
into a normal stage.
Your Friend,
Dave
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Get More Help On Borderline Personality Disorder Don't forget to take a look
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help you with a different area of borderline personality disorder whether
you have it or you are supporting someone with it.
You can see them all and get the details by visiting:
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/offers.shtml