Being the Target of the Person with Borderline
Published: Tue, 11/04/08
Hi ,
How's it going today?
I need to share this email I got from a
supporter of a loved one with borderline
personality disorder. Her name is Shelley.
"Once again, WOW! I am completely
amazed at how one-sided this all seems to
be. Someone...I mean SOMEONE...needs
to step up and say what it truly feels like to
be the target of the person with BPD.
Believe me, it isn't fun...and many of you
seem to know that. So...what do we do
about this? I keep feeling the need ask this
question, yet I still feel I get no answers.
Is it that we "survive" by staying away from
the BPD person? Certainly that is a hurtful
resolution, don't you think? Why does it
have to be that way? I feel really, really
let down and ignored. It may not be the
person's fault, but it certainly isn't MINE
either! Am I the only one struggling with
this "no answer" feeling?"
----------------------------------------------------
So what DOES it feel like to be the target of the
person with borderline personality disorder?
One supporter said it's like walking around on
eggshells all the time.
Another said he feels like if he says the wrong
thing, he becomes the object of his loved one's
wrath - only he never knows what that wrong
thing is. And that wrong thing CHANGES all
the time, he says.
Still another supporter agreed with Shelley that
they feel let down and ignored because no one
seems to know the answer.
But another supporter said that they knew it
wasn't their fault, so they just ignore the whole
"target" thing.
Well, unfortunately, I have to admit that I don't
have the answer either.
Because not even the experts know the answer,
and I am certainly not an expert either.
I'm just a supporter of a loved one with a mental
illness, just like you.
But I do agree with something this woman said:
"Is it that we "survive by staying away from
the BPD person? Certainly that is a hurtful
resolution, don't you thing? Why does it
have to be that way?"
I agree that that is a hurtful solution.
Is that what you do?
Do you stay away from your loved one?
Most supporters I've heard from don't
do that.
They stick with their supporters. They don't
like it much of the time, but they do.
They express many of the same feelings that
Shelley expressed in her email, but they still
stay with their loved one.
They ask the same questions that Shelley
asked in her email, but they still stay with
their loved one.
In my main course and resource below, I
talk about dealing with your loved one's
acting out behavior:
SUPPORTING A LOVED ONE WITH BORDERLINE?
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/report/
NEED HELP EXPLAINING BORDERLINE PERSONALITY?
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/explainingborderline/
It isn't enough to just "survive," though, is it?
You must want more from the relationship, or
else you wouldn't still be with your loved one.
Shelley wants answers. And so do you.
Like I said, I'm no expert.
But I know from dealing with my mom, the
only answer I had at times was HOPE.
HOPE kept me going.
HOPE kept me from leaving, even when times
were at their worst.
HOPE kept me believing that my mom
would get better.
HOPE kept me believing that there had to be
an answer, even though I didn't know what it was.
HOPE kept me thinking that things had to be
better than just being let down and ignored.
And HOPE, if there's any answer for you at all,
is what will keep YOU going as well.
It won't always be this way for you.
If your loved one gets the proper treatment
and sticks with it (emphasis on sticks with
it), you CAN have HOPE that they WILL
get better!
And then you will no longer be the target of
their acting out behavior.
So what about you?
Do you agree with Shelley?
What's it like for you?
Do you think things are one-sided?
What do you think it feels like to be the
target of a loved one with borderline
personality disorder?
I'd really like to know YOUR answer.
Your Friend,
Dave
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Get More Help On Borderline Personality Disorder Don't forget to take a look
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help you with a different area of borderline personality disorder whether
you have it or you are supporting someone with it.
You can see them all and get the details by visiting:
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/offers.shtml