Borderline Supporter? Don't Own Your Loved One's Consequences
Published: Mon, 03/02/09
Hi ,
I hope your day is going well for you.
You know, when we're children, we learn
that there are consequences for our
behavior and actions (at least most people's
parents taught them that - other people
had to learn it the hard way).
Well, when you're a supporter to a loved one
with borderline personality disorder, you
know that they have a lot of behaviors that
people without the disorder don't have.
And those behaviors have consequences.
Their actions have consequences as well.
For example, if someone with borderline
personality disorder exhibits risk-taking
behavior such as reckless driving, is caught
speeding on the interstate, is pulled over
by the police, and gets a ticket...
Well, that ticket is the direct consequence
of their action of speeding, or the
consequence of their risk-taking
behavior in the first place.
Now, is it YOUR responsibility to pay
that ticket for them?
They may want you to.
They may expect you to.
They may even, in some strange way,
say it's your fault (if it happened
as a result of a fight with you, and they
went storming out the door, got in the
car, etc., etc., etc.)
Is it your responsibility then to pay
the ticket?
In other words, the question is:
Should you accept responsibility for the
consequences of your loved one's behavior
(actions)?
In other words, to "own" them?
Okay, let's look at another example:
Say your loved one is exhibiting another
form of risk-taking behavior: shoplifting.
Now, this is a thrill for them. Only this
time they get caught, and the store decides
to press charges, and the next thing you
know, you're being called to bail them out
of jail.
Ok, this is a hard one, I know, because who
could bear to see their loved one in jail?
But would you accept responsibility for the
consequences for your loved one's behavior
(their shoplifting)?
In other words, again, to "own" them?
Ok, if you don't want to consider that scenario,
then at least consider the fines they're going
to have to pay for their "shopping excursion."
Are you going to pay them?
That would be accepting responsibility for
your loved one's consequences of their
behavior (actions), or owning them.
Now, I'm not trying to be excessive, dramatic,
funny, or cruel here, honestly.
These are examples of situations that really
have happened to people with borderline
personality disorder and their loved ones.
I think it was Einstein who said that "For
every reaction, there is an equal and
opposite reaction."
Applied in this case, for every behavior we
do, there is a consequence of that behavior.
In my main course and resource below, I
teach that behavior, especially borderline
acting out behavior, has consequences.
And that it is the person with the disorder
who should take responsibility for those
consequences:
Now, there are good consequences, and
there are bad consequences.
Remember when we were kids, and if we
did something good, our parents praised us,
or gave us a reward, a small one being
maybe a cookie, or a big one maybe being
a trip to the zoo.
But when you did something bad, you got
punished. At school, you might have gotten
sent to the principal's office, at home you
might have gotten spanked, or grounded.
Well, the same thing happens as adults.
In a corporate setting, if you do well at
your job, you get promoted.
If you don't, you get fired.
See what I mean?
If you're in a relationship, and your loved
one treats you well, you'll stay in that
relationship.
Well, part of being an adult, and part of
treating the other person in the relationship
well (with respect) is taking responsibility
for the consequences of your own behavior
(actions).
It is NOT your duty as a supporter to
take responsibility for the consequences
of your loved one's borderline behavior
(actions) - to "own" them.
As a matter of fact, if you do, you might
be hurting you both in the long run.
If you do, this can be called enabling.
Enabling is when you do something for
someone that they can do for themselves.
One of the problems that someone with
borderline personality disorder has is
being too needy (which goes along with
their fear of rejection).
If you become their enabler, you are
feeding right into this, and possibly
doing them more harm than good.
Your loved one needs to learn to take
responsibility for their own consequences.
I know you love and care for your loved one.
And I know you want what's best for them.
But part of their getting better is taking
responsibility for themselves, their behavior,
their actions, and the results (consequences)
of those behaviors and actions.
This isn't something you can do for them.
Agree or disagree?
Your Friend,
Dave
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