Borderline Supporter – Does This Happen To You?
Published: Wed, 03/25/09
=>PLEASE FORWARD TO FRIENDS, FAMILY AND LOVED ONES <=
Hi ,
How's it going for you today?
I got this email the other day, and
I wanted to share it with you:
"When you're married, your spouse's
love is supposed to be unconditional,
but my wife's love is not unconditional.
It depends on what mood she's in,
and on whether I've been a "good boy"
or not, in her eyes. The problem is,
I don't know what a "good boy" is,
according to her definition. It seems
like I can never do enough, never
show her enough love, never do
anything right. And if (when) we
do fight, of course she's always right
(even if I know I'm right). Sometimes
she'll be real affectionate and tell me
how much she needs me, but at other
times she acts like I'm the devil in
disguise, and this really hurts me,
especially because I cana't ever predict
when she'll do it. I want to be a good
husbnd to her, but I never counted on
this. She didn't act like this before we
were married. Now she takes it upon
herself to "improve" me - she is
constantly criticizing me, telling me
it's for my own good. Well, I have
a good job, and my boss never tries
to "improve" my work, and I have a
lot of friends, and they don't try to
"improve" me, either, and my parents
don't either, so I have to believe it's
just her. Why does she do these things?
Is it just me? Just sign me "hurt and
confused."
------------------------------------------------
Now, I've shown this email to a
few people I know who are supporters
of loved ones with borderline
personality disorder, and they say
that it describes their loved ones to a tee.
Does this describe your loved one
as well?
Because this man describes several
typical behaviors for someone with
borderline personality disorder.
In my main course/resource below,
I go over the main characteristics
of someone with borderline personality
disorder:
SUPPORTING A LOVED ONE WITH BORDERLINE?
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/report/
NEED HELP EXPLAINING BORDERLINE PERSONALITY?
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/explainingborderline/
But let's go over what was mentioned
in this man's email:
First of all, yes, you have every right to
expect the same unconditional love from
your loved one as you give them; however,
it is very difficult for someone with
borderline personality disorder to give
you that kind of love, usually because
they never got it as a child.
One of the main characteristics of
borderline personality disorder itself
is problems with interpersonal
relationships, and this inability to
give unconditional love is part of that.
This information may not make it
any easier for you, but it may help to
understand your loved one better.
Shifting moods is also a part of the
borderline personality disorder itself,
so it's not like your loved one is
doing it on purpose - this is their
disorder and not them - they are
not choosing whether to be in a
good mood or a bad mood.
Think of it as if you were in their
shoes - if you had a choice, would
you choose to be in a bad mood?
It's just something that happens to
them, and it's not your fault.
Your being a "bad boy or girl,"
or a "good boy or girl," has nothing
to do with you, really.
It has to do with "splitting," another
characteristic of borderline personality
disorder.
This is where your loved one will see
you as "all good" one minute or as
"all bad" the other minute, which
might cause them to show affection
toward you when they see you as
good and reject you when they see
you as bad.
They will also see themselves this
way as well, feeling guilt and shame,
which might cause them to "reject"
themselves or you (to pull away
from you), to withdraw from you,
to show anger or rage, or to act in
the other ways that they do sometimes.
Fighting happens a lot of the time in
borderline relationships. And it is
very common that the person with
borderline personality disorder will
believe that they are right, even if
they're wrong.
If I were to talk to the man who
wrote this email, I would tell him
that it's very normal to be hurt by
his wife, as many supporters of
loved ones with borderline
personality disorder have felt
this way, too.
So the main thing I would tell him
is that he is not alone.
The biggest problem that I've
heard from supporters of loved
ones with borderline personality
disorder is the unpredictability
of it all.
It feels like you can never get
"a step up" on your loved one's
behavior.
Like them trying to change you.
This man says:
"She takes it upon herself to
improve me," but goes on to say
that his boss, friends, and parents
don't try to improve him.
That's where the criticism comes in.
Your loved one may not even be
aware that they are criticizing.
They tend to expect things, situations,
and people to be perfect. This comes
from their need to control, as when
they were little, they had no control.
Some supporters of loved ones with
borderline personality disorder
have even told me that their loved
ones are so controlling that they
are even possessive of them.
If your loved one is like this, it may
be frustrating for you and even make
you angry, but this can be normal
behavior for a person with borderline
personality disorder.
Again, this is the disorder, and not
your loved one.
Even though you may understand
more about your loved one, their
borderline personality disorder,
and the reasons why they act the
way they do, that probably
doesn't make it any easier for
you to live with them sometimes.
Like you never know what mood
they're going to come home in.
And that can not only be frustrating,
but can sometimes be downright
frightening.
What if your loved one comes home
and they are angry, even raging?
What if they go from criticizing and
name calling all the way to getting
violent?
That's quite a jump there! Then what
do you do? You need to have plans and
strategies that will keep you safe.
What have you done to cope with a
loved one with borderline personality
disorder and their behavior toward you?
Please share some of your coping
strategies, so that maybe you can
help someone else in the same
situation.
Your Friend,
Dave
===>> Great Resources For You <===
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Get More Help On Borderline Personality Disorder Don't forget to take a look
through the different programs I've put together... each one is designed to
help you with a different area of borderline personality disorder whether
you have it or you are supporting someone with it.
You can see them all and get the details by visiting:
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/offers.shtml
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