Borderline Supporter? Understanding Abuse
Published: Thu, 05/28/09
Hi ,
How's it going?
I hope you're having a good day.
I was reading this article about
supporters of people who have
borderline personality disorder and
their supporters, and it brought
up some very interesting points.
When I think of abuse, like many
people, I think of it in terms of
physical or sexual abuse.
But this article points out that a
supporter isn't always physically abused.
More often, they are emotionally and
verbally abused by their loved one.
Still, the abuse and its effects are
still the same.
It will cause the supporter to feel
frightened, intimidated, and even
degraded.
To feel negative emotions such as
depression, anger, resentment,
loneliness, and sometimes even
hatred toward their loved one.
It can also give them physical
symptoms such as anxiety, insomnia,
and headaches.
You might think of it as mistreatment,
but it is still abuse.
When you are being verbally abused,
you will probably feel a loss of
self-esteem.
It's hard to keep believing in yourself,
that you are a good person, worthy
of love...
When the person you love keeps
belittling you...
Calling you names...
Criticizing you...
Accusing you of things you've not
done... (perhaps an affair)
Fighting with you over nothing
(and you've got no defense, because
even if they're wrong, they're right
in their own eyes, and if you fight
back, it just makes things worse).
Demeaning you...
Degrading you...
Humiliating you...
Taunting you...
All these things are considered verbal
and emotional abuse, and are things
that eat away at your own self-esteem.
It doesn't matter that your loved one
has borderline personality disorder and
"doesn't know what they're doing."
What matters is that they ARE doing
it, and that you are experiencing the
results of it.
You are feeling the reaction to it.
And you are suffering because of it.
This article I read says that your loved
one behaves this way because of a
"core wound of abandonment" that
they experienced as a child.
Somewhere during their childhood,
someone close to them (a parent or
caregiver) either abandoned them
physically, or did not meet their
emotional or physical needs.
This is what is responsible for their
"dance" with you of loving you one
minute and hating you the next minute.
They are so afraid of losing you.
Then why, you might ask, do they
do all these things to you?
Why all the anger, the rage, the fighting?
Why all the verbal and emotional abuse?
This is where it gets a little difficult to
understand.
According to this article, when something
happens (like stress, or something situational)
and your loved one feels out of control...
They return to the roots of their core
wound of abandonment, and they react to it.
Since the core wound of abandonment
is one of the main characteristics of
borderline personality disorder, it is
one of the things I discuss in my main
course and resource below:
SUPPORTING A LOVED ONE WITH BORDERLINE?
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/report/
NEED HELP EXPLAINING BORDERLINE PERSONALITY?
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/explainingborderline/
When your loved one reacts to this...
They do the very opposite of what
they really want.
They want you to stay with them.
They want a good, healthy relationship
with you.
The problem is, they don't know how!
No one ever taught them how when they
were younger, like you were.
So all this anger and rage that they keep
bottled up inside eventually bubbles to the
surface, and guess who catches the brunt of it?
YOU DO!
It's not that they can't help themselves, it's
just that they don't know any other way
to deal with this pain, so they attack you.
Most of the time, they can handle it.
These are their normal periods.
But when they can't, that's when they
have their acting out behaviors.
The only thing you can hope for is that
your loved one will go for treatment
(medication and extended intensive
therapy), because they have to learn
to deal with these issues.
Has your loved one gone for treatment
yet?
Has it started to make a difference
in them?
Has it made a difference in your
relationship?
Your Friend,
Dave
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Get More Help On Borderline Personality Disorder Don't forget to take a look
through the different programs I've put together... each one is designed to
help you with a different area of borderline personality disorder whether
you have it or you are supporting someone with it.
You can see them all and get the details by visiting:
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/offers.shtml