The Mirror Test For a Borderline Supporter
Published: Thu, 05/07/09
Hi ,
I hope you're having a good day today.
I am writing this super early today. At 4:20am
EST. I can't sleep, so I figured that I would
do something productive instead of lay in
bed and think about how I can't sleep.
Anyway, let's jump into today's topic.
I was talking to this guy the other day
whose wife has borderline personality
disorder.
The conversation went something like
this:
He said, "Dave, I'm really having problems
with my wife."
I asked him, "What kind of problems?"
"Well, she's just so clingy!"
"What does that mean," I asked him.
"She's all over me sometimes, like she
can't get enough attention. I swear, she
acts like she's some kind of dog or
something. It drives me crazy."
I know this type of complaint. I've heard
it before from supporters of loved ones
with borderline personality disorder. I
figured his next line was going to be about
her pushing him away, and sure, enough,
that's what he said (adding, of course, that
this drove him crazy, too).
So then he started telling me about the other
problems he was having with her.
About how often they were fighting.
"She seems to pick fights with me for no
reason at all," he told me.
"Well, what do you do about it?" I asked.
"Well, I fight back, of course! I mean,
she thinks she's right all the time, which
of course she isn't, so then I have to
defend myself. Then we just get into this
big argument. Which then I never win
anyway, because she'll never admit that
she's wrong."
I tried explaining that this is a classic sign
of borderline personality disorder, and
that he would never win, so why does he
keep trying?
He just looked at me like I was crazy.
So many men just don't get this part.
So this guy kept telling me more of his
wife's behaviors, and they were all typical
borderline behaviors, but he was like
blaming her for them, like she could do
something about them, if she just tried
harder, or like they were her fault, and
she was just doing them to "get back
at him" or something.
I asked him, "Do you do anything to
help her?"
He just gave me this blank stare.
Then he said, "Well, SHE'S the one with
the problems, not ME."
I tried again to explain to him about
borderline personality disorder and how
she's NOT doing these things to "get back
at him" or anything, but that she has a
mental disorder and can't help it.
He said some other things, and again I
asked him, "What are you doing to
help her?"
Guess what he did?
(Scroll down for answer)
He tried to pick a fight with ME!
Like I was the one to blame!
He really did NOT want to believe that
I was telling the truth about the things
I said.
And, I guess, he was offended, because
I kept asking him what he was doing
to help his wife (I really wasn't trying
to offend him, honest).
Then guess what happened?
(Scroll down for answer)
He started to defend his wife!!!!
This guy started driving ME nuts!
Here I thought I was helping him, and
he started wanting to fight with me.
But, in his defense, I guess he was just so
frustrated over his wife's behavior, and him
not understanding it, that he was taking
it out on me. I guess I can understand that.
In my main course and resource, I do talk
about borderline behaviors and how
important it is for supporters to have
knowledge of them so that they can be
more understanding of their loved one:
SUPPORTING A LOVED ONE WITH BORDERLINE?
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/report/
NEED HELP EXPLAINING BORDERLINE PERSONALITY?
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/explainingborderline/
But here's what I took away from this,
and what I wanted to talk to you about.
What happened with this man is what I call
the "Supporter Mirror Test."
It's like, before you start complaining
about your loved one's behavior,
you have to look at yourself in the
mirror and have to ask yourself,
"Have I done everything to help
my loved one?"
I mean, there's no one standing over
you judging your behavior - you
have to be your own judge, but
really, ask yourself if you could
pass the Supporter Mirror Test today.
Are you doing everything you can
to help your loved one?
Are you being kind and understanding
when they feel needy and clingy, or
are you just pushing them away, or
acting annoyed?
Because they'll see that as rejection,
and that's not good for someone who
has borderline personality disorder -
that's one of their deepest fears.
Are you understanding when sometimes
they'll push you away, and that they
can't help that, that it's just part of
their disorder?
And the other things they do because of
their disorder, even if you don't like the
behaviors, do you still try to be supportive
of THEM as a person who can't help
themselves sometimes?
Are you doing everything you can to
help your loved one?
Ask yourself:
Can I pass the Supporter Mirror Test today?
Your Friend,
Dave
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You can see them all and get the details by visiting:
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