Is Your Loved One w-Borderline Lying or Doing This?
Published: Mon, 06/15/09
Hi ,
How's your day going?
I hope it's a good one.
I want to tell you a story that my friend
told me about that cracked me up.
Well, maybe I shouldn't have laughed,
and maybe you won't think it was a
haha kind of funny, or maybe a "you
had to be there" kind of funny, but,
well... the way she told it, it was funny.
Let me just tell you the story, and you
decide:
She was the oldest of four children. A
younger sister and two younger brothers.
This sister was kind of in the middle.
Well, her sister was always stealing change
off their parents' dresser, and of course
their parents would notice the missing change.
So they would line up all the children, and
ask who did it.
They would all point to their sister. And
then their parents would ask, "Did you do it?"
And she would shake her head and say, "No."
Then they would ask all the children again,
"Who stole the change off the dresser?"
And they would all point to their sister, and
the parents would ask her again, "Did you do
it?" And again, she would shake her head
and say, "No."
This would even go on a THIRD time!
Then they would ALL get punished, because
the one sister would lie about having taken
the change off the dresser, and even though
the parents knew, just as the other children
did, that the sister had taken the money, they
had to punish all the children "to be fair."
So the sister got away with it. Every time.
But the funny part was, the other kids couldn't
get mad at her, because she was so lovable!
Well, that made me laugh.
"You mean you didn't even get mad at her
when you got punished because of something
you knew that SHE did?" I asked my friend.
"No," she said, "Because that was just her,
and just the way she was. You just had to
love her anyway. We all did. She was just
that way!"
Well, it reminded me of people who have
borderline personality disorder.
They can lie about something, and be so
obvious about it and, even though you know
it's a lie, you have to love them anyway,
because they're just so charming and
charismatic, and it's "just their way!"
Of course, this doesn't make it right.
Well, that's not the end of the story.
This same friend later went on to have 3
boys of her own.
Well, one day one of them got in trouble.
He came to her and told her a long story,
then said, "Ok, wait. I'm lying. But it's not
really a lie if I tell you I'm lying, is it?"
That's when I cracked up.
Now do you see why I thought the story
was so funny?
Ok, well, maybe you did have to be there.
But anyway...
Some adults try to do something like
what my friend's son did. They figure it's
not really lying if they can justify it.
Or maybe you've heard your own children
say something like, "I didn't mean to break
it (or do it), BUT..."
In this case, it's not necessarily a lie, and
could've even been an accident for which
you wouldn't blame them.
The problem, though, is that they could
still be trying to justify their behavior.
Like many adults with borderline personality
disorder do.
In general, it might come out as something
like, "I wouldn't normally be this way, BUT
I have borderline personality disorder."
But sometimes your loved one's justification
of their actions can really hurt you.
Such as, "I wouldn't do this to you, BUT you
are so..." or "BUT you are a [name call]."
Their justification can also come out in
"IF...THEN" statements.
In general, it will sound like, "IF you
[whatever]...THEN I [whatever]."
For example, "If you didn't behave so badly,
then I wouldn't have embarrassed you in
front of our friends."
However, whether your loved one is
directly lying to you...
Or whether they are simply justifying
their actions to you...
Neither behavior is acceptable.
In my main course and resource, I talk
about accepting unacceptable behavior
and what to do about it:
SUPPORTING A LOVED ONE WITH BORDERLINE?
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/report/
NEED HELP EXPLAINING BORDERLINE PERSONALITY?
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/explainingborderline/
If you do accept it, you're just rationalizing
their behavior, and giving them an excuse
to repeat it.
Here's an example of how you might
rationalize your loved one's behavior:
"Oh, she's only acting that way because she's
stressed out."
"He would do better at work, BUT his boss
doesn't really like him."
"IF I would be more like she wants me to
be, THEN she wouldn't get so mad at me
all the time."
"I must be all those things they call me,
OR ELSE they wouldn't do it."
Do you hear the justifying words in those
sentences? BUT, IF/THEN, OR ELSE?
And do you hear how you might sound
like when you're rationalizing your
loved one's behavior?
These are all examples of types of wording
that you can catch yourself using when you
are justifying your loved one's behavior (and
what you should avoid saying, even to
yourself).
Now, turn the same wording around, and you
can see how your loved one will try to justify
their own behavior.
Have you ever caught your loved one in a lie?
What happened?
Can you think of some of your own examples
of when your loved one has tried to justify
their behavior to you?
Can you see where maybe you have let them
do it? (so you don't have to do it again)
Your Friend,
Dave
===>> Great Resources For You <===
Get Your Own Subscription To This Newsletter Want your own copy of these
daily bipolar emails sent to you for F.ree? If so, visit:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/register3
Get More Help On Borderline Personality Disorder Don't forget to take a look
through the different programs I've put together... each one is designed to
help you with a different area of borderline personality disorder whether
you have it or you are supporting someone with it.
You can see them all and get the details by visiting:
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/offers.shtml