Borderline? If At First You Don't Succeed…
Published: Tue, 08/04/09
Hi ,
I hope your day is going well.
Most people have heard the expression,
"If at first you don't succeed, try, try,
again."
Parents try to teach it to their children,
in getting them not to give up on whatever
project they're working on.
Or to try harder in school.
Or to try to make friends.
Or any number of things.
People say it to other people as a way
of encouragement.
Maybe someone is having problems
finding a job.
Or one friend is trying to help another
friend by giving them advice.
Again, it could be anything.
I'm sure you could think of examples
of your own to illustrate the saying.
But I think it's about problem-solving, really.
Think about it.
You've got a problem.
You try to solve it, naturally.
But that way doesn't work.
Many people will give up right there.
But I have a different approach.
In fact, I talk about that approach in
my main course and resource. I say that
you should approach a problem using
problem-solving techniques - don't just
give up on it because the first way doesn't
work.
SUPPORTING A LOVED ONE WITH BORDERLINE?
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NEED HELP EXPLAINING BORDERLINE PERSONALITY?
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Giving up on a problem just because
you don't see an easy solution is like
taking the coward's way out.
Sometimes the solution isn't in plain
sight.
Sometimes it takes a little elbow grease
to find the solution to a problem.
But that expression, "If at first you don't
succeed, try, try again..." that shows a
person who has a positive attitude, a person
who is willing to look at all sides of a problem.
A person who is not willing to give up so
easily, just because the first way didn't work.
A person who is NOT a complainer.
Have you ever met someone like that? A
complainer?
A person who all they did was sit back and
complain about their problem, but yet did
nothing to try to solve it?
Or, worse yet, wanted (or expected) someone
else to solve it for them?
When it comes to borderline personality
disorder, that would be like you enabling
your loved one.
If they expected you to solve their problems
for them and you did, you would be enabling
them.
And that is something you do NOT want to
do.
You are a supporter, not an enabler.
If your loved one is just sitting around
complaining about their problems all the
time, then they are not trying to solve them.
And if you are sitting around complaining
about your loved one all the time, then that
could be something else.
Actually, that could be one of several things:
1. It could be just that you are not being
an effective problem-solver.
2. It could be that you are not taking care
of your own needs, and are focusing too
much on your loved one instead.
3. It could be that your attitude is a negative
one instead of a positive one.
4. It could be that you're complaining because
you're feeling resentful.
In any case, what you're doing is NOT productive.
You are NOT solving any problems by
complaining.
You have to approach your problems a different
way.
Because if you're not happy...
Or if you're feeling resentful...
Or you find yourself with a negative
attitude...
Or things aren't going well with your
loved one...
Or you find yourself with more problems
than you can handle...
Then you're doing something wrong.
And I'm betting that that something wrong
is in the way you're approaching your
problem-solving.
First of all, you have to admit that what
you're doing isn't working.
Then you have to look at your problems
from a different perspective.
Maybe try looking at them as if you were
someone else looking at them - a casual
observer, instead of someone right in the
middle of things.
Ask yourself, "How would someone else
handle this problem?"
Or try making a list of all the different ways
this problem could be solved.
Maybe some of the ways aren't possible at all.
(So you cross those ways off right away.)
Maybe some of those ways are possible.
(So you think about them.)
And one of them will be your solution.
(You just have to figure out which one.)
What do you think about this approach to
problem-solving?
Do you think it might work for you and
your problems?
Even your problems with your loved one and
their borderline personality disorder?
Your Friend,
Dave
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