Borderline? Lesson From Lemons and Oranges
Published: Wed, 08/05/09
Hi ,
How's it going?
I want you to think about
something for a minute.
It may seem a bit "out there,"
but please bear with me.
I want you to think about making
lemons into lemonade and oranges
into orange juice.
Now I want to ask you a philosophical
question:
Once the lemon or orange has been
squeezed, is it still a lemon or orange?
Of course.
But now it is in a different form, isn't it?
Some of what made it, in essence, a
lemon or orange is now gone.
It has taken on a different form.
You're probably asking yourself how in
the world does this relate to borderline
personality disorder?
I'll tell you how.
(scroll down for the answer)
Keep scrolling...
I don't think you can guess this one...
How does it relate?
Well, and don't think I'm crazy for this
(or get offended), but I kind of see you
as that lemon or orange.
When you are with a person who has
borderline personality disorder, they can
sap your energy from you.
Caring for them can leave you physically
and emotionally exhausted.
You can feel drained and tired much of
the time, or have other symptoms such
as anxiety, from the stress of it all.
And you can become a totally different
"form" than you were before.
After living with someone with borderline
personality disorder for awhile, you find
yourself having to walk on eggshells around
them most of the time.
You're afraid to say or do something wrong -
something that will trigger their anger
and rage.
So even from the beginning you're starting
to "change form."
In my main course and resource, I talk about
how manipulative and controlling someone
with borderline personality disorder can be,
which can cause you to change just to try to
please them.
That's what I'm talking about here.
SUPPORTING A LOVED ONE WITH BORDERLINE?
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/report/
NEED HELP EXPLAINING BORDERLINE PERSONALITY?
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/explainingborderline/
In the beginning of the relationship, you
just change yourself a little bit to try to
please your loved one.
Then when things still don't get better,
you try to change yourself a little more.
You want to try to please your loved
one, so you adapt yourself to what you
think they want you to be.
This is where you begin to feel drained,
just like the lemon or the orange, because
your essence is being sucked out of you.
And if one thing doesn't please your loved
one, you try something else.
But what worked yesterday may not work
today, and what works today may not
work tomorrow.
This is what leads many supporters to think,
"I can't do anything right."
Then, not only is their "essence" gone, but
now their self-esteem is starting to suffer.
As a supporter, all these things may pile on
you after awhile, and make you susceptible.
What if your loved one seems to want you to
be a different way? Do you change then?
Or wait until the next time?
Because people with borderline personality
disorder will project their own feelings of
worthlessness onto someone else (like you).
They may also project their lack of a sense of
ego or identity onto you.
If you're not careful to preserve your own identity,
despite your loved one, you may lose it.
Then, like your loved one, you may struggle
with a fundamental sense of who you are.
Many people with borderline personality
disorder are controlling and manipulative.
If they sense a weakness in you, they will take
advantage of it.
For example, if they see that you are trying
to "people-please" them, they may directly or
indirectly tell you how to change to be more
of what they want (and then later change their mind).
But if you hold onto your self-esteem and
your sense of self, it will tell you how wrong
this is, and you won't do it.
You are a person unto yourself. You have your
own life, hopes and dreams, goals, and definitely
your own identity.
When you think about changing your "essence"
just to please your loved one, you are trying to
become something you are not.
If you do change yourself to please them, you
will find that after awhile, you don't even recognize
yourself.
The problem is that you can't "fix" your loved one
or their borderline personality disorder by
changing yourself.
THEY have to be the one willing to change.
And that's only after they recognize that they
have something wrong with them to begin with,
which is very hard to get someone with
borderline personality disorder to admit.
But if you can get them to admit it, then you
can suggest that they get some help.
If your loved one does get treatment (medication
and therapy), they will begin to change.
But they will change in positive ways, and
should learn how to behave in an interpersonal
relationship.
Extensive, long-term therapy can help them
to examine why they do the things they do,
and they can make a choice not to do them.
In the meantime, don't take the things they say
personally, and hold onto your own "essence" -
your identity.
Have you changed yourself to please your
loved one?
How have they reacted?
Your Friend,
Dave
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Get More Help On Borderline Personality Disorder Don't forget to take a look
through the different programs I've put together... each one is designed to
help you with a different area of borderline personality disorder whether
you have it or you are supporting someone with it.
You can see them all and get the details by visiting:
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/offers.shtml