Borderline Supporter? Get Out of Range
Published: Tue, 07/14/09
Hi ,
How are you doing today?
Recently, I was talking to a couple
where she has borderline personality
disorder and he doesn't, and they're
married, and have been together for a
long time.
I wanted to share with you some of the
things that they told me, because I think
you can learn some lessons from them.
They brought up some really great points -
mostly him as the supporter, but her as
someone who has borderline personality
disorder as well.
There's a concept he calls
GETTING OUT OF RANGE
that he uses when his wife is acting out,
that works well for him.
Here's an example of how that works.
His wife will get angry about something
(he doesn't even know what it is, most
of the time).
He becomes the target of her wrath.
She begins yelling at him.
Because they have been together for
so long, he has learned that no matter
what he says or does, she is not going
to listen to him, and there is no way
he is going to win the argument.
He says that he knows she is "not in
her right mind" at that time.
How?
Because he is so familiar with her behavior
when she IS in her right mind - her
"regular" behavior.
So that when she "gets like this," he says,
he reacts this way:
He "gets out of range."
What that means is that he physically
removes himself from the line of fire, just
like you would do in a battle.
In my main course and resource, I talk
about having strategies when you're dealing
with a loved one with borderline personality
disorder, and this is this man's strategy
when his wife gets angry at him.
SUPPORTING A LOVED ONE WITH BORDERLINE?
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/report/
NEED HELP EXPLAINING BORDERLINE PERSONALITY?
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/explainingborderline/
So when his wife exhibits acting out
behavior of anger or rage against him, he:
GETS OUT OF RANGE
of her anger and rage.
He went a little further in his explanation.
Because I asked him how he could get
away with this, because from what I've read,
and from other supporters I've talked to,
they've said that the person will just follow
after you and keep fighting.
He said it works because she has learned
that this is what he will do in response to
her anger.
So this is a strategy that has been played
out over and over until she has learned it.
So that's one thing you can learn from this
couple.
It works because of repetition.
Another thing he told me is that:
He IGNORES her and her "improper behavior"
(that's what he called it).
Again, this is after some time.
So she has learned that when she acts out,
when she exhibits her borderline behavior,
that her husband will IGNORE her.
So she gets no reinforcement.
Some people, especially people who have
borderline personality disorder, will respond
to attention, even if it's negative attention.
But if you ignore them long enough, they
will stop doing that behavior, because they
don't get the attention they're seeking.
And this couple is an example of that.
So ignoring his wife's behavior is another
strategy of his.
So he doesn't fight back, and he ignores
her improper behavior. These are two of his
strategies that he uses with his wife when she
is exhibiting acting out behavior from her
borderline personality disorder.
When I asked him how he could handle the
things she does, like the clingy behavior,
the co-dependent behavior, the name-calling,
the picking on him, the criticism, etc.,
because it must make him feel bad, this is
what he said:
He said, "I have learned that I can hate the
borderline personality disorder that makes
her act that way, but I can still love HER."
"I know that she really loves me," he said,
"and she would never act this way if she
didn't have this illness."
Wow, I thought. What a positive attitude!
That's why I wanted to share this with you,
because this is the kind of attitude that
you need to have as a supporter.
You need to be able to separate your loved
one from their borderline personality
disorder.
Here's another thing I learned from this couple:
When she said that she doesn't mean to do it
and wondered how he can stand it, he said that
he knows she will get over it, just like she always
does.
And that's another point to remember.
There is an end in sight.
With therapy and the proper treatment, your loved
one will get better.
Look at this couple - they have been together
for a long time. She still has borderline
personality disorder, but her supporter has
learned to deal with it by developing strategies
such as getting out of the line of fire and
ignoring her improper behavior.
And she has learned these things as well.
But she has also learned that she can get
better with proper treatment.
She says that she is much better than she
used to be, because she has been on
medication and has been in therapy for
a long time.
She also says that therapy is the biggest
reason that she has gotten so much better,
plus having such a good supporter.
And they both work together to make the
relationship work, despite the fact that she
has borderline personality disorder.
Do you agree or disagree with applying
strategies to your relationship with your
loved one?
Have you tried some of your own?
What are they?
Your Friend,
Dave
===>> Great Resources For You <===
Get Your Own Subscription To This Newsletter Want your own copy of these
daily bipolar emails sent to you for F.ree? If so, visit:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/register3
Get More Help On Borderline Personality Disorder Don't forget to take a look
through the different programs I've put together... each one is designed to
help you with a different area of borderline personality disorder whether
you have it or you are supporting someone with it.
You can see them all and get the details by visiting:
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/offers.shtml