Borderline? Can You Change Your Loved One's Behavior?
Published: Thu, 07/23/09
Hi ,
How's it going today?
I hope you're having a good
day.
There was this study I was
reading about human behavior.
It was talking about rewarding
positive behavior and ignoring
negative behavior, to the point
that the negative behavior went
away!
Of course, this study was done
on dogs...
But I've heard of parents doing
the same thing with their children,
and I've heard that it works.
For example, say one minute the
child is acting correctly, so you
give them praise.
The next minute, they start throwing
a tantrum because, say, they want
a cookie, and you won't give it
to them.
Well, normally, your reaction
would probably be to try to reason
with them.
Then to maybe yell at them.
Then to maybe spank them.
Or to give them a "time out."
But, according to this way of
thinking, all that does is give them
attention anyway, even though
it's negative attention.
It's still attention, which is what
they really want (well, no, they
want the cookie, but they'll take
the attention).
But if they don't get that attention,
negative or otherwise...
If you just ignore them...
And keep on ignoring them...
And this happens each time they
throw a tantrum...
Eventually they stop throwing
tantrums.
So, according to psychology and
parenting...
If you want to change a negative
behavior...
Just ignore it.
Sounds simple, doesn't it?
But just because something is
simple doesn't necessarily mean
it's easy.
In my main course and resource,
I talk about the main characteristics
of borderline personality disorder,
and the behaviors that someone
with the disorder will manifest
when they are in an episode of
acting out behavior.
SUPPORTING A LOVED ONE WITH BORDERLINE?
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/report/
NEED HELP EXPLAINING BORDERLINE PERSONALITY?
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/explainingborderline/
So, when your loved one is acting
out, it would be real nice if you
could just easily ignore their behavior.
But it's not that easy, is it?
But if you could apply this principle
of rewarding positive behavior
and ignoring negative behavior...
You just may be able to help your
loved one change their behavior.
Ok, just imagine this:
Your loved one comes home in
a good mood.
So you reward them by being all
loving and kind, asking them
about their day...
Praising them for everything that
went right for them...
Enjoying their good mood with
them.
In other words, rewarding their
positive behavior.
Here's another example:
If your loved one compliments
you on something, you could say
something in kind, like, "I really
appreciate you telling me that.
It means a lot to me."
Do you see how you are praising,
or reinforcing, their positive
behavior?
This way, hopefully, they will do
it again.
However, consider the following
example:
Say your loved one starts a fight
with you out of nowhere.
You have no idea what you have
said or done to deserve their anger.
Your instinct is to fight back.
But you know from past experience
that this doesn't work, and just makes
your loved one madder.
Well, according to the theory I'm
talking about, you should just ignore
their behavior.
What if you did?
They might still yell at you, right?
But eventually, with no one yelling
back at them...
With no one to fight with...
They will run out of steam.
Why don't you try this the next time
your loved one picks a fight with you?
If it works with their anger, it could
work with their other negative behaviors
as well.
What do you think about this theory
of rewarding positive behavior and
ignoring negative behavior?
Your Friend,
Dave
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