Borderline Supporter – What About You?
Published: Mon, 09/28/09
Hi ,
How are you today?
I hope you're doing well.
I got this email I wanted to
share with you:
"Dave,
I have been married to the same
woman for 13 years. 13 years!
Of course, I didn't know that she
had borderline personality disorder
in the beginning. And over the
years she has gotten much better.
But I still feel sometimes like I am
giving more than I'm getting, you know?
Like just because she's "sick" I should
go out of my way to listen to excuses,
put up with the lying and manipulation,
hear myself being call names or blamed
for things I didn't do, or whatever. I
am exhausted sometimes just from dealing
with her and her behavior. I know it may
seem wrong, but I ask myself sometimes
What about ME? Shouldn't she be part of
making this a good relationship too?
Shouldn't she see to some of my needs, as
I see to hers? Here I am holding my tongue
when I get angry, but she can just run off
at the mouth, not even caring how I feel.
So what about me? Don't you think I deserve
better? - Taylor"
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My FIRST reaction is that the BOTH of
them deserve better!
No one deserves to have borderline personality
disorder or being a supporter to someone
who has it. This is not a fair disease.
And sometimes it seems like the supporter
catches the brunt of all the negativity of it.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
Do you feel the same way as Taylor does?
If you do, don't feel guilty.
Many, many supporters report feeling the
same way.
In my main course and resource below, I
discuss the normal feelings that a supporter
experiences, and the anger, frustration, and
resentment that this man is having are just a few:
SUPPORTING A LOVED ONE WITH BORDERLINE?
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/report/
NEED HELP EXPLAINING BORDERLINE PERSONALITY?
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/explainingborderline/
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
Do you ever get angry at your loved one?
Of course you do.
It has nothing to do with having borderline
personality disorder or not - people do
get angry.
It's what you do with that anger, how you
handle it (or not handle it) that counts.
In a relationship where one of the partners
has borderline personality disorder, it is
only natural that more of the attention is
focused on them because of their disorder.
And this can lead to the "what about me?"
feeling that this man talks about in his post.
You can build up resentments over a period
of time.
You can feel angry at your loved one.
You can get frustrated at their behavior.
You may even feel like you hate them
sometimes because of the things they do
to you - like mentioned in the post -
Taylor says, "Like just because she's "sick"
I should go out of my way to listen to
excuses, put up with the lying and manipulation,
hear myself being call names or blamed
for things I didn't do, or whatever."
..and other behaviors as well.
It doesn't matter what the ACT is - it's how
you FEEL about it.
And what you DO about it.
13 yrs. That's a long time to be married
to the same woman, borderline or not.
I think he must be a good supporter.
He's definitely gone through a lot, as any
supporter of a loved one with borderline
personality disorder does.
But he's also admitting that part of the
negativity is coming from him.
Can you relate to his frustration?
Do you ever wonder
WHAT ABOUT ME?
Do you feel like you're giving more
than you're getting?
Do you resent your loved one for it,
or do you justify it by saying that
they've got borderline personality
disorder?
Do you just keep your mouth shut
and not do anything (like a martyr)?
Or do you talk to your loved one about
your thoughts and feelings?
I'll tell you, if it were me personally
(which it is), I would hold the person
responsible for their behavior.
Maybe I'm not married, but I know
about the 50/50 that marriage is supposed
to be.
Having borderline personality disorder
is a hardship upon that relationship,
but it still should not leave the supporter
out of its benefits.
A relationship should be 50/50.
It should be a partnership.
If your loved one had the flu, you would
take care of them, wouldn't you?
And if you had the flu, they would take
care of you, right?
But we're not talking about the flu here.
We're talking about a serious mental
disorder that can cause the person with
it to treat their supporter without the respect
they deserve.
In order to have a good relationship with
someone who has borderline personality
disorder, they MUST be in treatment, so
they can work on some of their issues.
Do you know why?
Because you DO deserve better!
And this can only happen if your loved
one is in treatment.
Your Friend,
Dave
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Get More Help On Borderline Personality Disorder Don't forget to take a look
through the different programs I've put together... each one is designed to
help you with a different area of borderline personality disorder whether
you have it or you are supporting someone with it.
You can see them all and get the details by visiting:
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/offers.shtml