Borderline? To Go Dancing or Not?
Published: Mon, 10/19/09
Hi ,
How are you today?
I hope you're doing well.
I read the following on someone's
blog and wanted to share it with you:
"I was talking to a friend of mine
tonight. She told me that her sister
was thinking of leaving her husband.
She said that he was very independent
and that her sister is not. In addition,
her sister's husband likes to go out
dancing and her sister does not. She
gets very insecure when he goes out
dancing even though he has invited
her to come many times. Regardless
of the amount of reassurance by him
she never feels comforted."
That very last sentence is a good indication
that this could very well be a borderline
relationship being described.
In my main course and resource, I
discuss how the thoughts and feelings
of your loved one may not always
be rational, but you have to expect
them.
SUPPORTING A LOVED ONE WITH BORDERLINE?
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/report/
NEED HELP EXPLAINING BORDERLINE PERSONALITY?
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/explainingborderline/
In this case, it is insecurity.
And the woman with borderline
personality disorder is having her
"fear of abandonment" challenged.
This kind of insecurity can put a real
strain on any relationship.
Now, I'm not saying that her husband
should just act like a monk or anything,
but he at least needs to know where his
wife is coming from.
So should he stop going dancing?
Is he doing something wrong?
He is if he is antagonizing his wife.
But he is not, since he is innocent and
has asked her to come several times.
So let's look at the wife.
She has borderline personality disorder,
so she has an innate deep fear of
abandonment.
This is not something that she can
help right now - it will take extensive
long-term therapy for her to get ok
with this.
I have asked some people's opinions
on this situation.
Some people think he should go out
dancing anyway, because his wife's
insecurity is her problem and not his -
why should he sacrifice his fun for
her irrational feelings?
Other people say the exact opposite -
that he should, in fact, sacrifice his
dancing to be with his wife, regardless
of whether her feelings are rational or
not.
Some people say that it is the wife's
responsibility to deal with her own
insecurity.
That she needs to examine exactly
what is making her feel insecure and
come to terms with it.
But that is so simplistic, in my
opinion.
It's like saying, "Snap out of it," to a
person who has borderline personality
disorder, which we know they can't do.
On the other hand, accepting that she
is being jealous or making false
accusations and that is just putting
more stress and strain on the relationship
isn't fair either.
She needs to figure out WHY she is
feeling like this.
And her husband needs to support her.
So what if she just doesn't want to go
dancing?
Maybe they can find something else that
they both want to do, to be together.
If she is worried that her husband
might cheat on her while he is out
dancing (but has not given any real
indication that he is), then it comes back
to her own insecurity, and again, she
needs to examine where this is coming
from.
Fighting over it will not bring a
resolution to the problem.
Haven't you sometimes fought with
your loved one and ended up thinking
that it you got nowhere? That nothing
had changed?
Fighting with a loved one who has
borderline personality disorder is
usually just a waste of time.
But these two can communicate
together and work out a solution.
They need to figure out what
self-perception is driving her
anxiety.
If she feels that she is unattractive
or not fun, then they need to talk
about that -
About whether his going dancing
without her is what is causing the
anxiety, or whether the anxiety is
just fueling the fire.
In truth, going dancing has nothing
to do with whether she is attractive
or fun, but to someone with borderline
personality disorder, self-image is a
real problem area.
She may feel unattractive and not
fun deep inside herself, and this could
be part of her borderline personality
disorder.
The only way she is going to feel
better about herself is extensive, long-
term therapy.
They might even consider family or
marriage counseling to help.
What do you think?
Do you think this husband should
stop going dancing as a sacrifice to
his wife's needs?
Or do you think it's the wife who
needs to change, and that it's ok for
her husband to go out dancing
without her?
Or do you have another opinion?
Your Friend,
Dave
===>> Great Resources For You <===
Get Your Own Subscription To This Newsletter Want your own copy of these
daily bipolar emails sent to you for F.ree? If so, visit:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/register3
Get More Help On Borderline Personality Disorder Don't forget to take a look
through the different programs I've put together... each one is designed to
help you with a different area of borderline personality disorder whether
you have it or you are supporting someone with it.
You can see them all and get the details by visiting:
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/offers.shtml