Borderline? Can You Control This?
Published: Mon, 11/09/09
Hi ,
How are you today?
I hope you are doing well.
I got this email from someone
dealing with a loved one with
borderline personality disorder,
and I wanted to share it with you.
"Dave, I love my wife, but sometimes
she just makes me so angry! She
picks fights over nothing, has
accused me of having an affair (I
haven't), accused me of moving
something and then not telling her
where I put it, embarrassed me at
the store the other day by calling
me names (I still don't know what
I did to cause that), and other things
like that. I do love her, she's my wife.
I should say I love her when she's
acting normal. I hate her when
she acts like this. Is this normal,
or am I a terrible husband?"
----------------------------------------------
Wow.
This would be shocking if I hadn't
already heard basically the same
thing from other frustrated
supporters.
In my main course and resource,
I talk about the negative feelings
you may experience, and how to
deal with them.
SUPPORTING A LOVED ONE WITH BORDERLINE?
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/report/
NEED HELP EXPLAINING BORDERLINE PERSONALITY?
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/explainingborderline/
But the behaviors that this man
describes in his email are some
typical behaviors of someone
with borderline personality disorder.
That doesn't make it any easier
to live with when it's happening
to you, I know.
I never said it would be easy.
But you can make things easier on
yourself, if you can do this one thing.
Can you control your own anger?
If you can learn to control your
own anger, it won't be fuel onto
the fire when your loved one gets
angry.
First of all, you need to remember
that they are sick.
Their borderline personality disorder
makes them act in ways sometimes
that are not acceptable.
Now, that doesn't excuse them from
taking responsibility for their
actions, but I'm just saying that, for
your part, maybe keeping in mind
that they do have borderline personality
disorder and that it makes them this
way might help you to control your
own anger in response to your loved
one's behavior.
Second of all, you need to have
patience and tolerance, with a heavy
dose of understanding thrown in.
I know, it isn't fair that you have
to be the one to do this, but sometimes
supporters have to do things they
don't like, just to keep the peace.
What then, do you do with your own
anger?
You certainly don't want to rant and
rave and express rage toward your
loved one, even though they may do
that to you.
If you respond in kind, it will be
like throwing another log on the fire,
and will make things worse.
So how can you control your anger?
Here are some suggestions:
1. Acknowledge that you are feeling
angry.
Trying to pretend you don't feel
something that you do feel will
only lead to more stress and anxiety
on you, so you don't want to do
that.
2. Postpone your anger.
While you are dealing with a loved
one in the middle of a rage is not
the time to display your own anger.
3. Wait out the storm
Although your loved one may be
screaming and shouting at you
and doing other things out of their
own anger, you can wait her out,
until she is calm again and you can
talk to her.
4. Talk to your loved one
Trying to talk to your loved one
when she is in a rage will get you
nowhere (you have probably already
noticed that). However, when she
is calmer, you can talk to her and
tell her that her behavior made you
angry.
5. Don't retaliate
Even though you feel angry
toward your loved one, try to put
that anger in perspective so that
you don't retaliate against her.
There are more things than I can
mention that can make you feel
angry.
You have probably experienced
much of what the man in the
email describes (or worse).
But try to remember that when
your loved one acts out in their
anger, that you may not necessarily
be the target.
Try to understand that this is a
behavior associated with their
borderline personality disorder.
You can't control their anger.
You can't even control how they
act out of that anger.
But you CAN control your own
response to it.
Can you control YOUR anger?
What do you think about this
man's email?
Do you think his response is a
normal one, or do you think he
is a terrible husband, like he asks?
Your Friend,
Dave
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You can see them all and get the details by visiting:
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