Borderline? How Do You Build This?
Published: Mon, 10/05/09
Hi ,
How are you today?
I hope you're doing fine.
In any healthy relationship, one
thing that's extremely important
is TRUST.
But how do you build trust with
a loved one who has borderline
personality disorder?
Sometimes they will do things
that will really hurt you.
And, of course, you react to that.
You may get angry.
You may even build up a resentment
against your loved one.
But can you trust them?
Much of their behavior is reactionary.
They will be worse when they are
under stress or anxious.
They will be especially worse when
they feel threatened.
So part of it is learning to notice
patterns.
In my main course and resource,
I talk about the normal patterns of
behavior for someone with borderline
personality disorder, even though
much of it is negative.
SUPPORTING A LOVED ONE WITH BORDERLINE?
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/report/
NEED HELP EXPLAINING BORDERLINE PERSONALITY?
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/explainingborderline/
If your loved one is treating
you in a negative way, you are
not alone.
Many supporters have told me
stories about how their loved one
treats them, and sometimes it's
really terrible.
When they are in an episode of
acting out behavior, like when
they've been "tripped" by one of
their triggers (stress, anxiety, etc.),
they may treat you really poorly.
They may criticize you.
They may call you names.
They may belittle you or degrade
you.
They may yell at you.
They may accuse you of doing
things you haven't done.
They may do some very impulsive
things.
And that can sometimes be the
worst.
Because there are consequences
to impulsive behavior.
And one of those consequences is
that you may wonder if they can ever
be trusted again.
Trust is something that is built
between two people.
Especially in a close relationship.
But because of your loved one's
borderline personality disorder,
they may never have learned this.
You may feel that you cannot
trust them because of things they've
done.
But their lack of trust goes deeper.
It has to do with their disorder.
Because of things that happened
when they were a child, they probably
learned that other people cannot be
trusted.
So don't be surprised if your loved
one doesn't trust you.
That doesn't mean that you can't earn
their trust, or they earn yours.
It just takes a lot of work on both
your parts.
There has to be good communication,
for one thing.
You have to be able to share with
them what you're thinking and feeling
without making them angry every time.
You don't want to fight with your loved
one.
When they do get angry, however, you
can say something like, "Why don't we
discuss this when you are calmer?"
If you say it in a non-threatening
way, they may trust you and do what
you ask.
It may not seem fair that you have
to be the one doing the concessions,
but it will help build trust between
you and your loved one.
When they do something that hurts
you, you need to be able to tell them
that they've hurt you, in a way that
doesn't make them feel defensive.
You can say, "I feel [this] when you
[do that]."
Instead of "You always..."
Or "You never..."
They may stay much calmer if you
use the first approach.
The use of "You" statements tend
to make someone with borderline
personality disorder defensive.
And when they feel defensive, they
can't be trusted not to hurt you.
Eventually, if your loved one is in
treatment, they will learn to trust
you not to hurt them.
And, in time, you will learn to trust
them as well.
Trust is something that is built.
But you've got to start somewhere.
Do you trust your loved one?
Do they trust you?
Your Friend,
Dave
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Get More Help On Borderline Personality Disorder Don't forget to take a look
through the different programs I've put together... each one is designed to
help you with a different area of borderline personality disorder whether
you have it or you are supporting someone with it.
You can see them all and get the details by visiting:
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/offers.shtml