Borderline Supporter – Turn It Around
Published: Wed, 12/02/09
Hi ,
How are you today?
I hope today is a good one for you.
I want to teach you a concept today.
It's called:
REFLECTIVE LISTENING
and it can be very effective when
you're dealing with someone who
has borderline personality disorder -
it can help you to turn things around.
It may especially help you to
avoid fights, or help you when you're
already in a fight with them.
Reflective listening is what the
name implies.
Your loved one will say something,
and you reflect back to them what
you think you heard them say.
This can make a big difference,
and avoid many confrontations
because of misunderstandings.
Here's an example:
Say your loved one starts calling
you names.
"You're lazy, and you never do
anything," they might say.
Instead of reacting with hurt,
you keep your wits and use
reflective listening.
So you might say:
"I hear you calling me lazy and
that you don't see me doing anything
productive. Am I right? Is that
what you're saying?"
Then they will have to hear their
own words reflected back to them.
In hearing them then, they will
either say yes or no, and if no, will
go on to say what they meant to say.
The purpose behind this is that,
hopefully, when they hear that they
have actually called you lazy, in this
case, they will realize that they didn't
mean it.
This is a method you can use across
the board, whether your loved one is
acting out or not, to turn it around.
It just makes for good communication.
Good communication with your
loved one is one of the things I talk
about in my main course and resource,
because it's so important.
SUPPORTING A LOVED ONE WITH BORDERLINE?
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/report/
NEED HELP EXPLAINING BORDERLINE PERSONALITY?
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/explainingborderline/
The main thing with reflective
listening is that you don't just
"parrot" the words back.
You change what they say.
Here's what I'm talking about.
Say they call you a liar and they
can't believe anything you say.
You wouldn't say:
"You're calling me a liar and you
can't believe anything I say."
Instead, you would try to read
into it and say something like:
"It sounds to me like you are
having trouble with something
I've said and you seem upset
about it. Is that right?"
Then they will hear your words,
and explain what they meant, or
deny it.
If this happens during a normal
period, they may even apologize,
because they didn't mean for it
to come out like it did.
Let's take the example of fighting,
since this is so common with a
person who has borderline personality
disorder.
You know it is useless to fight
back, because they're going to believe
that they're right, no matter what
(because of their borderline).
But if you use reflective listening
during that fight, it gives you more
control.
It's not a matter of whether you're
right or wrong then, it's a matter of
trying to get your loved one to hear
their own words.
They may say something like:
"I hate my job. My boss is always
on my back for one thing or another.
I think I'm going to quit."
Now, if you just got on their case,
telling them that they can't quit
their job, or that their thinking is
wrong (which it usually is), you
will just be provoking them into a
fight.
Instead, you should say something
like:
"I hear your frustration about your
boss. But do you think that quitting
would be the right thing to do?"
This way, you're reflecting back what
you think they are feeling in a non-
threatening manner, and it can
make them think about it.
Most people don't like being told
what to do.
But in this case you are NOT telling
them what to do, but just to examine
what they're thinking and feeling.
By using reflective listening, you
can get further with your loved one,
and it will lead to better communication.
Try this method, and let me know how
it works for you.
I love to hear success stories.
Your Friend,
Dave
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Get More Help On Borderline Personality Disorder Don't forget to take a look
through the different programs I've put together... each one is designed to
help you with a different area of borderline personality disorder whether
you have it or you are supporting someone with it.
You can see them all and get the details by visiting:
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/offers.shtml