Pre-Empting Borderline Episodes
Published: Thu, 12/10/09
Hi ,
How is your day going?
I hope it's turning out to be a good one
for you.
You know, one of the biggest
complaints I hear from supporters of
a loved one with borderline personality
disorder is about the unpredictability
of their behavior, or episodes that
seem to come out of nowhere.
Most likely, you have already
experienced this with your loved
one, as it is a common problem.
In the past, it may have even led to
terrible fights - fights that you
could not win, no matter how hard
you tried.
So the first thing I'm going to tell
you is NOT to do that!
Fighting with your loved one, even
if you are right, never turns out in a
positive way.
Part of the problem is that their
borderline personality disorder tells
them that they are right, and nothing
you say or do is going to change
their mind.
The main problem is that their rage
can seem to come out of nowhere.
But if you spend your time trying
to figure out where it came from,
you may be expending more energy
than you have.
You need to concentrate your energy
in a way that is the most productive.
In my main course and resource, I
talk about not taking things personally
when your loved one starts a fight
with you - in other words, don't always
assume the fight is about you.
SUPPORTING A LOVED ONE WITH BORDERLINE?
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Part of the unpredictability of your
loved one's acting out behavior is
because of things that have nothing
to do with you.
It could be something that happened
at work...
At the store...
To their car...
With another person...
Or even something that DIDN'T
happen that they expected to
happen.
The point is, that your loved one's
anger may have NOTHING to do
with you at all.
You just may be the closest
person for them to take their
anger out on.
Your only recourse is to try to
pre-empt their borderline episodic
behavior.
For example, try to keep things at
home as much of a stress-free
environment as you can.
Try to keep a positive and optimistic
attitude yourself (I know this is
hard sometimes), so that your good
mood may change your loved one's
bad mood - or at least possibly keep
them from taking things out on you.
Don't do things that, in the past,
have aggravated or agitated your
loved one.
You may not agree with this, but
here's what I mean.
Say you do something that irritates
or otherwise agitates your loved one
one day.
They react in a negative way, maybe
even starting a fight over it.
You need to learn from this NOT to
do it again (no matter how trivial it
is to you, it may be important to
them).
For example, you may unconsciously
roll your eyes in a "Here we go again"
type of way when your loved one
starts their acting out behavior.
In order to pre-empt that from causing
an episode of acting out behavior,
you will have to make sure that you
do NOT do that any more.
It actually makes things easier on
you in the long run.
Sometimes you have to adapt your
behavior to your loved one's
behavior in order to pre-empt an
episode.
Try not to give them any reason
to get mad at you, for instance,
like I was talking about before.
Remember, you are not always
dealing with a rational mind.
They may just PERCEIVE that
you are abandoning them, even if
you are only going to the store or
something - if they are already
in a bad mood, they may not be
thinking rationally, and may accuse
you of all sorts of things, question
you when you get back, etc. (especially
if they feel you've been gone too
long).
So how can you pre-empt their
episodic behavior?
There are several ways:
First of all, like I just talked about,
don't give them a reason to be mad
at you.
If you know what upsets, agitates,
or aggravates them, don't do it.
If it's already too late and they have
started a fight, try to minimize the
outcome by not fighting back.
Be soft-spoken and understanding.
And always show your support,
whether you agree with them or
not.
What are some of the things that
you do to pre-empt borderline
episodic behavior?
Your Friend,
Dave
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