Borderline? Consider the Children
Published: Wed, 11/18/09
Hi ,
How's it going for you today?
I hope you're having a good day.
I got a very disturbing email the other
day, and I'm going to share it with you,
because this man needs help (and you
may, too).
But first I have to say that I have been
asked to address this issue before by other
people, but wasn't sure there were enough
people on my list to justify talking about
children.
But now I feel like I have to do it anyway,
even if it's just for those who do have children.
Also, because I believe there is a lesson for
all supporters to learn from this email.
Here are some excerpts from it:
"Dave,
My wife has Borderline Personality
Disorder. She's been diagnosed by three
family counselors. She's not been seen
by mental health professionals, because
she refuses to believe there's anything
wrong with her, and therefore refuses to
seek help. I wish I'd known what was
wrong earlier. Even after I was told about
BPD and that my wife suffers from it, I
didn't "get" it. I looked up the disorder on
the web, but I didn't find enough information
to realize how destructive this was. Now,
it's too late, at least for my marriage. My
wife filed for divorce on September 2nd.
The divorce will be final around the first
week in November, regardless of what I
want.
I've done my best to help her. Unfortunately,
in July, my father became ill, and I had to
go take care of him. This took me away from
home for an extended period of time...
apparently, my being away stressed her to the
breaking point, bringing her feelings of
abandonment to the forefront, and pushing
her over the edge.
We have an 11-year-old daughter who is my
world. We both love her with all our hearts.
My wife insists on primary custody, which
puts me at a huge disadvantage. I'm trying to
keep our daughter out of the divorce and not
put her in the middle. However, it's obvious to
me and others, that she is doing her best to
poison our daughter against me. (So far, it's not
working, but she has home-court advantage.)
That brings me to my question...how - and
when - should I talk to my daughter about
Borderline Personality Disorder? I want her to
be able to recognize the symptoms and be able
to survive what I expect will be her mother's
increasingly extreme behavior. I don't want to
poison her against her mother - ever. But because
I'm down here in Shreveport, and she's stuck up
there in Amarillo with my wife, I feel as if I've
left her defenseless, and without an ally at home.
Don't get me wrong...we talk every day, and I'm
flying her down to Dallas this weekend, where
we'll spend time together. But that's no substitute
for being there for her, every day. And I have no
idea what's really going on up there.
"... Above all else, I have to protect my daughter.
At this point, I need to know what to do to help
her. I'm afraid of mishandling this - I can't afford
to freak out my kid, and then have her treat my
soon-to-be-ex-wife as mentally ill, as that's a sure-
fire way to make things worse for everybody. I
need some advice. Can you write about
how to handle this issue?"
----------------------------------------------------------
Do you see why I said it was a disturbing
email?
In my main course and resource below,
I talk about ways to cope and deal with
your loved one's borderline personality
disorder. But you also need to know how
to explain it to the children, because they
will know that something is wrong with
the person (mom, dad, whoever) who has
the disorder.
SUPPORTING A LOVED ONE WITH BORDERLINE?
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/report/
NEED HELP EXPLAINING BORDERLINE PERSONALITY?
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/explainingborderline/
Children are smarter than we give
them credit for sometimes.
Remember, whatever bizarre behaviors
you're trying to deal with from your
loved one, they are too.
You can't just keep this behind
closed doors. They will know that
something is wrong and might even
be fearful, because they don't know
what it is or how to cope with it.
One of the points this man brought out
in his email was to keep the child from
being put in the middle, in between you
and your loved one (divorce or not). And
that's a very strong point.
So it's a good thing not to "trash" each
other to the child. Remember, that
child loves both of you equally.
But it is still not fair to them not
to tell them what is going on.
One of the best ways you can do this
is to explain the Broken Brain concept.
Remember to keep this age-specific,
however. Don't make it too complicated
or, if you're talking to a teenager, too
patronizingly simple.
Basically, borderline personality disorder
is a disorder of the brain - a chemical
imbalance.
It is also due to childhood happenings,
things that your loved one had no
control over.
Remember, too, that your loved one is
sick, and the borderline personality disorder
is NOT their fault.
Still, like this man says, you have to protect
the child. So they need to be informed that
Mom is sick - she has a broken brain. Older
children can look up information on the
Internet, if you tell them the name of the
disorder. But younger children need you
to explain it to them, and they should understand
the Broken Brain concept. They also understand
about "being sick."
So you can tell them that Mom (or whoever) is
"sick," and that's why she acts like she does
sometimes. You can even have them draw a
picture of a brain, then show how it is broken,
and even have them put a band-aid on the page
while explaining that it can be fixed with
treatment (medication and therapy).
They can relate to this, because every child
understands what it's like to be sick. You
just explain that this sickness is in their
mom's head.
Any child of a person with borderline
personality disorder needs an explanation
for the sometimes hard-to-understand
behavior of their parents or other loved
one.
Otherwise, they might be frightened and
confused.
From my point of view, as well as from
all the supporters I have talked to, the
Broken Brain concept is the easiest way
to explain borderline personality disorder
to a child.
It would help if you also keep your own
feelings toward the person (like this pending
divorce) out of your discussion with your
child.
Try to be positive, even telling your child
that Mommy did NOT get this sickness
because she was bad or anything, but that
it just happened, like a cold.
Do you agree?
Have you had to handle this? How did
you do it?
Your Friend,
Dave
===>> Great Resources For You <===
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Get More Help On Borderline Personality Disorder Don't forget to take a look
through the different programs I've put together... each one is designed to
help you with a different area of borderline personality disorder whether
you have it or you are supporting someone with it.
You can see them all and get the details by visiting:
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/offers.shtml