Borderline Supporter? Dealing with Your Loved One's Rage
Published: Mon, 01/11/10
Hi ,
How are you today?
I hope you're doing well.
You know, one of the hardest
things to deal with when you
are involved with a loved one
who has borderline personality
disorder is when their anger
turns into rage and they lose
control - especially when that
rage is directed at you.
The worst part is that your
loved one's rage may be
unpredictable and unexpected,
because impulsivity is one of
their problems and rage can be
considered an impulsive behavior.
Their rage may seem to come
out of nowhere, and you may
not have had enough warning to
prevent it; however, there are
some ways to deal with it, like
those that I talk about in my main
course and resource.
SUPPORTING A LOVED ONE WITH BORDERLINE?
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/report/
NEED HELP EXPLAINING BORDERLINE PERSONALITY?
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/explainingborderline/
One thing you can do is that
when your loved one gets angry,
gauge the intensity of their anger
on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10
being the highest.
According to Christopher Bojrab,
M.D., people with borderline
personality disorder may be
able to calm themselves down
when the emotional level ranges
from 1 to 5.
At 6 and above, however, and
without treatment, they may not
be able to calm themselves down.
At a 6 or higher, your loved
one's thoughts and feelings are
out of control, and what they're
saying may not even make sense.
They may pick a fight over nothing,
and may "ambush" you if you're
not prepared.
Extended anger at a 6 or higher
turns into rage and, as I said earlier,
that rage can be directed at you
(especially if you didn't see it coming).
They may pick one point of criticism
or blame and harp on that point over
and over.
For example, they may accuse you
of having an affair, and nothing you
say can defer their wrath.
It's not that your loved one won't
try to see your point of view; it's
that their borderline personality disorder
prevents them from doing so.
Their anxiety, fear, low self-esteem
and poor self-image, depression, etc.,
are all tied to verbal abuse.
If they are unable to manage those
feelings - as many people with untreated
borderline personality disorder are -
they may very well go from simple
anger to rage and even verbal abuse
against you.
The only way you can predict that your
loved one may begin to rage at you
is if you know their patterns.
For example, if you have been late
coming home from work before and
it turned into false accusations, rage,
and a fight, then the next time you
are late coming home from work you
can expect the same thing.
But what do you do once the rage
has already begun?
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Try to bring the fight to a temporary
close by setting a boundary with your
loved one.
You can say something like this:
"I will not discuss this any more if
you continue yelling at me. I am
willing to be supportive and listen
if you can tell me what it is that you
want and need."
If the rage continues, walk away (or
ask your loved one to leave).
One thing you definitely should
NOT do is to fight back with them.
This won't get you anywhere, as
they will be convinced that they
are right.
And your fighting back will just
make things worse.
Another way you can diffuse
your loved one's rage is by staying
calm and using a low voice.
Using a low voice forces them
to listen to you.
Enough of this, and just by itself
it may be enough to calm down
your loved one's rage.
You just need to stay consistent
and stay calm.
The more calm you are, the more
calm you can hope that your loved
one will be.
What about you?
How do you handle rage with your
loved one?
Your Friend,
Dave
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