Borderline Supporter? Letting Things Slide
Published: Mon, 01/18/10
Hi ,
How are you?
I hope you're doing ok.
You know, over the years I've
had to develop this way of
dealing with certain things.
It's called "letting things
slide."
Sometimes it seems like it's
my only option at the time.
It is probably the same way
for you in certain instances.
What I found out with me was
that if I didn't let it slide, it
would just eat away at me.
What am I talking about?
Well, say someone at the gym
would tell an off-color joke and
I don't really appreciate it.
I have to stop and ask myself
if it's worth getting into over, or
if I should just let it slide.
9 times out of 10 I will let it
slide.
I figure it just isn't worth it.
Kind of like what you may go
through with some of the things
that your loved one says.
In my main course and resource,
I talk about how common it is for
a person with borderline personality
disorder to lose control and go into
a rage, among other behaviors:
SUPPORTING A LOVED ONE WITH BORDERLINE?
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/report/
NEED HELP EXPLAINING BORDERLINE PERSONALITY?
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/explainingborderline/
When your loved one gets like
that, remember that they are not
thinking rationally at that time.
And ask yourself, like I do, "Is
this worth getting into over? Or
should I just let it slide?"
There are some things that, of
course, you are not going to let
slide.
Like if you're married, and your
loved one is wanting to make a
major financial decision and leave
you out of it, well, that's something
that definitely concerns you, so
you're going to want to have a say
in it.
Here is where it gets tricky.
You want to have a say in the
matter, but you don't want to get
your loved one mad, either, or cause
them to be "tripped" into acting out
behavior.
Then you're the one who pays, and
usually it just isn't worth it.
So you have to watch what you say
and how you say it.
Ok, so you want to tell your loved
one how you're feeling, but you don't
want to make them mad.
Then instead of saying, "You never
let me help make financial decisions..."
(sure to make them at least feel
threatened, if not outright angry)...
You say something like, "When you
leave me out of financial decisions,
I feel insecure."
Now you have just stated your
feelings in a non-threatening way,
and you are more likely to get
further than if you said the other
thing.
Understandably, there will be
times when your loved one's
behavior is out of control.
At those times, you have to depend
on the boundaries that you have set.
If they overstep the boundary,
then you need to reinforce the
consequences for overstepping that
boundary, whatever you have set
up.
The main thing is that you have to
be consistent with it, or it's like
you never set the boundary in
the first place.
Your loved one needs to know when
they've gone too far.
So the point is, there are going to
be things you will let slide, and
other things that you will be assertive
about.
You also need to watch the way
you say things.
If you speak out in anger, I can
almost guarantee things will not
go well for you.
Getting angry in return is not an
effective problem-solving approach.
So you need to keep a check on
your own anger when you're in one
of these situations with your loved
one.
Try to speak softly and clearly,
without agitation in your voice.
I know it may be hard, because
deep down you may be feeling
angry (or some other negative
feeling), but if you speak softly
and calmly, your loved one has
to try harder to hear what you're
saying.
Just remember your priorities.
It's a greater priority to have a
healthy relationship than it is to
be right all the time.
Agree or disagree?
Your Friend,
Dave
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