Borderline Supporter, Are You Making This Mistake?
Published: Mon, 02/22/10
Hi ,
How are you today?
I hope this is a good day
for you.
Making mistakes is an inevitable
part of life.
Some people condemn themselves
for their mistakes.
They literally beat themselves up
over things they do wrong.
Other people take it in stride.
They know that everyone makes
mistakes.
That's just part of our nature.
Nobody's perfect.
And you can't expect yourself
to be.
Perhaps that's the biggest
mistake of all - expecting that
you won't make any mistakes
(or beating yourself up about
it if you do).
Self-condemnation serves no
useful purpose.
In fact, it can be harmful.
It could be that your loved one
is making your mistakes hard
on you, as one of the symptoms
of borderline personality disorder
that I describe in my main course
and resource is that they might
criticize you.
Making mistakes can make that
easier for them to do.
But you don't have to take their
criticism.
SUPPORTING A LOVED ONE WITH BORDERLINE?
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You don't have to take criticism
from your loved one, or even
yourself.
Allow yourself to make mistakes.
Just avoid making those that you
can keep from making.
For instance, some borderline
supporters make the mistake of
trying too hard to please their
loved one.
They do this at their own
expense.
It all has to do with fear.
That's where the walking on
eggshells idea came from.
Are you walking on eggshells
around your loved one, afraid
to make a mistake?
Then you could be making the
mistake of trying too hard to
please your loved one.
And when they are symptomatic,
this is a lost cause.
You need to set a boundary.
Sticking up for yourself, especially
as it applies to making mistakes,
is something that supporters of
loved ones with borderline personality
disorder just have to do.
Otherwise, you will be feeding
into your loved one's criticism
of your mistakes.
One of the major characteristics
of borderline personality disorder
is the expectance of perfection.
People with the disorder expect
it from themselves, so they transfer
this expectance to their supporters
as well.
Don't fall into this trap.
Now, I'm not saying not to take
responsibility for your mistakes,
we all have to do that.
But taking responsibility for
your mistakes and condemning
yourself for them with negative
self-talk...or letting your loved
one do it for you...is not the
right way to approach it.
If it happens too often, it can
damage your self-esteem (or
damage it further, if it is already
a problem).
Try to think positive about
yourself.
Instead of focusing on the negative
things, focus on the positive.
Yes, you will make mistakes.
But you do much better good
for your loved one than the
mistakes that you make.
Don't let them break you down
by concentrating on your
mistakes.
One of the biggest mistakes
you can make is trying too
hard to please your loved one
at your own expense.
It may sound selfish, but you
have to take care of yourself
first.
If you don't, you won't have
the energy or presence of mind
to deal with your loved one.
Are you making this mistake?
Your Friend,
Dave
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