Borderline? When Not to…
Published: Mon, 03/22/10
Hi ,
How's it going?
I hope you're doing well today.
Have you ever found yourself doing this?
"Their misbehavior is because of their borderline personality disorder."
"They're only so loving right now because of the stage of borderline
personality disorder that they're in."
"It seems like everything they do is because of their personality disorder!"
When you look at it this way, it almost makes borderline personality
disorder look like an excuse for everything, doesn't it?
Want to know a secret?
People with borderline personality disorder are people too.
They make regular mistakes that have nothing to do with their disorder.
They make decisions that have nothing to do with their disorder.
They make friends and acquaintances that have nothing to do with their
disorder.
Now, maybe their disorder will affect some of these things, and even
some more than others.
But the point is, not everything they do is because of their disorder.
The closest thing I can relate this to is racism.
Have you ever heard someone say that a person committed this crime
"because" they were a certain color of skin?
Or maybe that they succeeded "because" they were of a certain
nationality?
When in reality it has nothing to do with it!
Well, it is the same way with mental disorders.
Whichever one you are dealing with, there will be certain things that the
disorder causes (hence why it is a disorder to begin with), and there will
be other things that are completely up to the person.
Sometimes those things can be bad, and other times they can be good.
It can be easy enough to blame all of the bad things on the disorder, and
think that all of the good things are not from the disorder.
Here's a challenge for you:
Name three things that the disorder has done for you and your loved one
that are good.
These may be things that are good about the disorder itself, or things that
you have learned from the disorder.
It may be a closeness between you and your loved one that was brought
about by dealing with the disorder.
It could be anything.
And you may have to really struggle to think of one, especially if you are
in the mentality that only bad things can come from a disorder.
Now, are you ready for the next challenge?
Name three things that your loved one does that you hate, that have
NOTHING to do with their disorder!
I'm sure this one will be a little easier for you.
But the key point to all of this is to remember, your loved one is not
defined by their disorder.
There are things that are bad about the disorder, and there are things that
can come from the disorder that end up being good.
There are things that your loved one can do that have nothing to do with
the disorder that are bad, and there are things along those same lines that
are good.
So how do you tell the difference between the things that are caused by
the disorder and the things that aren't?
Well, to start off, you have to know what the disorder is.
Borderline personality disorder is a mental illness in which a person
shows a pattern of instability in their view of self, their relationship with
others, and their emotions and behaviors.
So if something has to do with an instability in their view of self, then it is
probably caused by the disorder.
If it is something to do with an instability in their relationships, then it is
probably caused by the disorder.
If it is something to do with an instability in their emotions and behaviors,
then it is probably caused by the disorder.
Now, note the word "instability."
This is important.
See, if there is something that they do in a relationship that is annoying or
bad, but they do it in all of their relationships all of the time, then it is not
the disorder that is the cause.
If it is something they feel or do all of the time, then it is probably not
the disorder that is causing it.
If they view themselves in a certain way that doesn't change with time,
then it is probably not the disorder that is causing it.
This can be true of both good things and bad things.
For example, lets say that a person with borderline personality disorder
has relationship problems. (Sound familiar?)
In their relationships, they are unstable in almost everything.
They go back and forth from thinking the world of someone to not wanting
anything to do with the same person.
But no matter what, they always call the person by the same pet name.
Let's take "baby" for example, since it is a common one.
And maybe in another relationship, they might use a different pet name,
but they continue to always call the person by that pet name, even if they
are mad at them.
The instability in the relationship is diffidently caused by the disorder.
The pet names, though, have nothing to do with it.
Whether you would think this is a good thing or a bad thing, well....it
doesn't make that big of a difference.
The point, either way, is that it is not caused by the disorder, and you
shouldn't be blaming the disorder for it.
So to say that "everything they do is because of their disorder" is not the
truth.
Many things that our loved ones do, even the mean, annoying, and bad
things that we can't stand, are just because they are people who have bad
days.
We have those bad days, too, remember?
On our bad days we can be just as mean, annoying, and downright wrong
as they can be.
Sometimes even worse.
It really puts things into perspective when you think about it that way,
doesn't it?
What things can you do to remind yourself that not everything is because
of your loved one's disorder?
Your Friend,
Dave
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help you with a different area of borderline personality disorder whether
you have it or you are supporting someone with it.
You can see them all and get the details by visiting:
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/offers.shtml