What Toddlers and Borderline Supporters have in Common
Published: Wed, 03/31/10
Hi ,
How's it going?
I hope you're doing well today.
I was in a grocery store the other day, and
I saw this mom and her toddler.
Now, this toddler was intent on trying to
get out of the shopping cart.
The mother, of course, wasn't about to let
that happen.
After all, can you imagine what would
happen to the toddler if she did escape?
That would be awful!
But the toddler didn't know to stop doing
the very thing that could hurt her.
Sometimes we are that way, too.
Sometimes we don't know when to stop.
This can be true of things that seem bad,
but it can also (surprisingly) be true of good
things, too.
Take supporting your loved one, for
example.
It is obviously a good thing, so is there
ever such a thing as doing too much of it?
The answer to that is yes.
If we "support" our loved ones to the point
that they become more dependant on us
than they already were, then it becomes a
bad thing.
If we "support" our loved ones to the point
that it takes over our entire lives and we
can't take care of ourselves, too, then it
becomes a bad thing.
I heard a sad story once.
There was a contest to see who could drink
the most water during a period of time.
One lady drank so much water that it killed
her.
As much of our body that is water, yet
water can still kill us.
And water is a very good thing, but there
are still amounts that it should be consumed
and amounts that are just too much.
The same is true of us taking on too many
responsibilities.
Now taking on the responsibility of caring
for your loved one is a great thing.
In fact, there are many other responsibilities
that can be great as well.
It is possible to go overboard on any of
them.
It is also possible to take on too many of
them at once.
So what do a toddler and a borderline
supporter have in common?
They both need to learn when to stop doing
something that could potentially hurt them.
So how do you keep from doing this?
How do you know when to stop so that you
don't take on too much at once?
And how do you know when enough is
enough?
Well, the first thing that is important is to
take cues from your own well-being.
If you are feeling overly tired or drained
in a way that is unusual at the end of the
day, then you may need to re-assess how
much you are doing.
If you are feeling overly tired or drained
during the middle of the day, then there
may be a serious problem.
If you are constantly worrying about
something, to the point that you are losing
sleep or getting distracted from your other
tasks, then that is probably a good sign that
you are too involved in that one thing.
If you are anxious much of the time, or if
you feel overwhelmed by all that you have
to do, then that is probably a good sign that
you have taken on too much.
So what does a good balance look like?
The amounts of things that can be done at
once and to what degree depend on the
person, so I can't tell you a specific set of
things that you can and can't do.
But here are some things that you should
be feeling if your life is balanced well
enough that you can take care of yourself:
Energy (not necessarily a lot, but at least
enough.)
Security
Stability
A sense of Progress or Hope
Empowerment
Happiness
Now, of course, we won't all reach this
point immediately.
In fact, for most of us it is an ideal to be
aimed for that might take some time to
actually be reached.
But as long as we are aiming for it, we can
be closer to it than we would have before
we started aiming.
Am I right?
What are the things you would like to be
feeling in your life?
Can you reach that goal better by backing
off on some of your commitments and
focusing more on yourself?
I know it may be hard, but sometimes we
have to say "no."
Sometimes we have to say "not yet."
And sometimes we have to say "that's all
I can do."
This is especially hard when we have to
say one of those things to our loved ones.
It may seem like you aren't fulfilling your
job as supporter if you tell them no, even
once.
But in reality, it will help in the long run,
for two reasons.
First off, it will allow you to take better
care of yourself, which will allow you
to have the energy to take better care of
them.
Secondly, it will set boundaries for them,
which can be very helpful things.
Boundaries are good because they show
the person what they can do and what is
too much.
It shows the person how far they can push
things (or you) and when to back off.
It also shows them when to ask for help
and when to try on their own.
It's kind of like a kid on a bicycle.
Imagine yourself as the training wheels.
Eventually, the training wheels have to
come off for them to finish learning to ride.
Now, that's not to say that you won't still
be there for them.
It's not even close.
In fact, it means that you can be there for
them in a better and more fulfilling way,
because you have taken care of yourself
as well.
What do you think about that?
Your Friend,
Dave
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