Borderline Behavior or Your Loved One's?
Published: Mon, 04/05/10
Hi ,
How are you today?
There is one question I get asked a lot:
"How do I know which is the borderline
and which is my loved one?"
And that's a very legitimate question.
However, the answer is not as easy.
We all have out own sets of behavior.
Some of it is inherent in us.
Some of it is developed behavior.
Some of it is learned behavior.
But for those with a mental illness
like borderline personality disorder,
some of that behavior is because
of the disorder.
Now, I'm not giving your loved one
a "Get Out of Jail Free" card or
anything.
As adults, they are still responsible
for their behavior.
But what I am saying is that there is a
reason for some of their behavior.
In my main course and resource, I go
into all the acting out behaviors of
someone with borderline personality
disorder, so I won't go into them all here.
SUPPORTING A LOVED ONE WITH BORDERLINE?
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/report/
NEED HELP EXPLAINING BORDERLINE PERSONALITY?
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/explainingborderline/
But, being with your loved one as long
as you have, you know what I'm
talking about - you know what their
acting out behavior is like.
You know what they're like during their
"normal" periods, compared with their
behavior when they are out of control.
But consider that there may be motives
behind their behavior that they cannot
control.
Call it a short-circuit of the brain, if you will.
They care about you and love you, and
most likely have no conscious intention
of hurting you at all.
Yet they still hurt you, don't they?
Try to keep in mind that their having
borderline personality disorder is
NOT their fault.
They have it because of something that
happened to them as a child.
But because they do have it, they can
act in unpredictable ways sometimes.
Most of us have developed means of
coping with stress.
We try, as adults, to deal with the stress,
and can choose not to take it out on
anyone else.
But with someone who has borderline
personality disorder, that's one of the
places where they may have a short
circuit.
They may never have learned how to
deal with stress like you have.
When someone with borderline personality
disorder is under a lot of stress, their
acting out behavior comes out.
That's when they do things that might
hurt you.
They may not be consciously doing
these things, or doing them on purpose,
but they may just be a reaction to the
stress they are feeling.
When your loved one feels threatened,
they will act out.
Much like a mother lion will protect
her cubs, your loved one may lash out
at you to protect themselves.
When they are feeling bad about themselves,
they will act out.
This is called projection. They will project
their feelings onto you.
When they don't feel in control of things
(situations), they will act out.
They will try to gain control over the
situation any way that they can.
When they experience an irrational fear
of abandonment, they will act out.
If they feel in any way (real or not) that
they are going to lose you, they will
exhibit certain behaviors out of that
feeling.
They might even act the opposite of
what you'd expect - you would think
they would want to keep you, so they
would treat you nicer, but with borderline
personality disorder they might start
a fight with you instead.
When they are feeling the effects of their
own lack of sense of self, and/or poor
self-esteem, they may even take it out on
themselves (self-mutilation, cutting, etc.).
Or they may take it out on you (again,
the projection I talked about).
This is when they might do something
that undermines your own ego and
self-esteem.
Understand that they are just lashing out
at you like a target for their own
inadequate feelings.
I'm not saying that their borderline
personality disorder gives them free
license to do these things.
I'm saying that without treatment for
their disorder, they will continue these
borderline behaviors.
If you want your loved one to be their
"normal self," the only chance is that
they go for extensive long-term therapy.
Only through therapy can they learn
how to distinguish between good behaviors
and poor (borderline) behaviors.
Once they are aware of them, they can
work with a therapist to change those
undesirable behaviors.
Your Friend,
Dave
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Get More Help On Borderline Personality Disorder Don't forget to take a look
through the different programs I've put together... each one is designed to
help you with a different area of borderline personality disorder whether
you have it or you are supporting someone with it.
You can see them all and get the details by visiting:
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/offers.shtml