Borderline Tip? Fighting like this
Published: Mon, 03/01/10
Hi ,
How's it going for you today?
I hope you're having a great day.
You've heard the expressions "cut
me a break," or "cut me some
slack," haven't you?
Well, that's one of the things I
want to talk to you about today.
The topic is:
FIGHTING FAIR
Someone told me that, "You can't
count it as a real marriage unless
there's some fighting in it."
Well, I'd like to believe that that
saying isn't true but, unfortunately,
I have seen it all too often.
And not just in relationships where
one of the partners has a mental
illness, either.
Mental illness aside, all couples
seem to fight here and there.
In any relationship, actually - it
doesn't have to be strictly in a
marriage.
The point is, you get any two
people together for some amount
of time, and they are going to
disagree at some point.
It's just human nature.
But in a relationship where one of
the partners has borderline personality
disorder, you're probably going to
find more fighting than usual.
One of the core features of borderline
personality disorder is a problem with
interpersonal relationships, like I talk
about in my main course and resource:
SUPPORTING A LOVED ONE WITH BORDERLINE?
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/report/
NEED HELP EXPLAINING BORDERLINE PERSONALITY?
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/explainingborderline/
The thing is, if you're going to fight,
you should at least fight fair.
One of the aspects to this is seeing
the other person's point of view.
Unfortunately, because of the nature
of their borderline personality disorder,
your loved one will probably not even
try to see your point of view when
they're angry or raging at you.
That's where the saying, "Cut them a
break (or some slack)" comes in.
I know it doesn't seem fair, or may
even seem like they're "getting away
with something."
They're really not getting away with
anything, but that's just the way it is -
sometimes they just can't help
themselves.
So you have to be the one who stays
in control.
Like I said before, it doesn't seem
fair, and it isn't really, not to you.
But try to remember that your
loved one is sick, and you're not.
When your loved one is angry or
raging at you, they are not usually
rational at the time.
They may believe that they're right,
no matter how much evidence there
is to the contrary.
By staying calm and keeping a
level head, you can deal with your
loved one's anger much better.
The calmer you stay, the faster
your loved one will "run out of
steam" and the event will be
de-escalated.
I'm not saying that you have to
admit that you're wrong if you're
not, but you really have to "pick
your fights."
In other words, you need to decide
if the issue at hand is worth
fighting over.
Usually, you will find that if it's
an important enough issue, you
can wait until your loved one is
calm and rational and able to have
a discussion with you.
Sometimes, you just have to "agree
to disagree," because you're not
going to see eye-to-eye on
everything.
But the most important things do
have to have a conclusion to them
and these are the things you need
to "fight fair" over.
One of the biggest things to
remember is that, no matter how
much you're tempted to use these
phrases, DON'T!
Don't say "you always" or "you
never."
It's too general, will not help the
situation, and will most probably
make it even worse.
Try using words and phrases such
as "When you...I feel..." instead.
Try to understand what your loved
one is feeling at the time, so that
it will be easier for you to cut them
some slack.
Are they feeling threatened?
Are they afraid of abandonment?
Are they stressed?
Did something else "trip" them into
this behavior that has nothing to do
with you (in which case you don't
take it personally).
Are they just taking their anger out
on you because they can't take it
out on the person they are really
angry at?
These are some of the questions
you can ask yourself.
The best thing you can do is NOT
fight back, because it will probably
again, just make things worse.
How do you fight?
Do you fight fair?
Do you have any other suggestions
on how to fight fair?
Your Friend,
Dave
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