Borderline Fights Over Nothing
Published: Tue, 03/09/10
How are you doing?
I hope you're having a good
day.
You know, in any relationship
there are usually fights here and
there -
Just normal disagreements.
Most people who are together
work out these disagreements
with good communication.
However, there sometimes
doesn't seem to be a logical
reason for fighting when
you're dealing with someone
who has borderline personality
disorder .
Unfortunately, sometimes they
may seem to fight over nothing,
or at least nothing that you can
figure out.
Sometimes even your best
efforts at communication can
fail.
Your loved one can be easily
angered.
Frustration, stress, not enough
sleep, a perceived threat...
These are a few of the reasons
I give for someone with borderline
personality disorder going into
a rage.
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It's common for a supporter to
feel that fights with their loved
one are really over "nothing."
However, to your loved one,
the fight is real.
Their anger is real.
And so is their behavior in
relation to it.
They don't even have to have
a "real" reason to fight with
you.
It just has to be a "perceived"
reason to them.
You may not have done
anything wrong, yet the next
thing you know, you're being
yelled at.
The explanation could be as
simple as that your loved one
is just "in a mood," or is
irritable.
Then the slightest thing can
start them off fighting.
They could be angry over
something that has no relation
to you.
For example, something may
happen at work and, since
they can't display their angry
behavior at work, they take it
out on you when they get home.
One of the biggest issues having
to do with borderline personality
disorder is the fear of abandonment.
If your loved one even perceives
that you might leave, whether or not
it is true, they might start a fight.
I know it doesn't make sense -
starting a fight with you might
make you WANT to leave!
But when your loved one is in
this mode, they are not thinking
logically and rationally.
Your loved one may fight over
"everything" or "nothing."
Which can be very frustrating
for you, because you never
know when it's coming at you,
and you may not know what
you did to deserve this fighting
(if you did anything at all).
Emotional dysregulation is one
of the main characteristics of
borderline personality disorder.
Your loved one just does not
process their emotions like you
(or other people) do.
That's why, many times, it comes
out as anger.
Even if you do understand why
your loved one is so angry, there
are some things you should and
should not do.
For one thing, DO NOT fight
back.
This will get you nowhere.
Do not try to point out your
loved one's mistakes, as they
will take it personally, as an
assault on their self-image and/
or self-esteem.
People with borderline personality
disorder do not take this well -
it feels like a threat to them, so
they may fight over it.
So do not criticize your loved
one (or say something in a way
that they FEEL criticized).
This may be frustrating for you,
because they really may have
done something, but if you do
criticize them, you can probably
expect a fight.
They are very sensitive to this.
But fighting back (especially when
the fight makes no sense to you)
is the wrong thing to do.
Usually, it will just "egg on"
your loved one, and won't solve
anything.
If there truly is a problem, it's
best to wait out their anger until
you can discuss the issue calmly
and rationally.
Have you experienced this type
of fighting?
What did you do?
How did it turn out for you?
Your Friend,
Dave
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