Borderline? The Two-Letter Word You Need to Use More Often
Published: Wed, 03/17/10
Hi ,
How's it going?
I hope you're doing well today.
I have known people over the years to get
overwhelmed by all that they have to do.
It's a difficult task to sort through when
you are already overwhelmed.
But the funny thing is, it could have been
prevented with one little two-letter word.
Can you guess what word that is?
It's "No."
Sounds so simple, doesn't it?
But some people seem to have such a hard
time telling anybody no, even when their
own health and sanity may be on the line.
Are you one of those people?
Do you say "yes" to so many things and
then get to the point that you can't manage
any of them?
Do you forget about your own needs in
the process of helping others with their
needs?
Here's a little secret for you:
You can't take care of anybody if you
don't take care of yourself first.
It may sound harsh, but it's true!
Now, that's not to say that you are going
to ignore anyone else's needs just because
you are taking care of yourself.
It also doesn't mean that you don't care.
It just means that you've got your
priorities straight.
This is especially true with supporters of
people who have borderline personality
disorder.
After all, it is too easy to let yourself get
caught up in the mix of your loved one's
illness, plus helping everyone else, and
maybe if you have time take care of
yourself at the end of it.
Sound familiar?
But here's a cold truth:
It does your loved one no good for you to
get overwhelmed to the point that you
can't function.
You know, it doesn't do you any good
either.
But your loved one will benefit most from
your help if you balance out helping them
with the rest of your life and your needs.
Your loved one will also benefit when you
tell them "no" occasionally, because it
can help them learn to be more self-
sufficient.
It is also a good way to set up boundaries.
Boundaries are a good thing, which
everybody needs.
They provide structure and an
understanding of where the limits are.
After all, wouldn't you rather know just
how far you can walk before falling off of
a cliff?
A boundary is like the visible and
protecting gate that lies between you and
the edge of the cliff.
This is how it will be to your loved one.
See, if you don't take care of your own
needs, eventually you will become
irritable and maybe even angry.
You might say or do things that you don't
mean, just because you are tired and in
need of relaxation.
At that point, you are an emotional cliff
for your loved one.
If they can see ahead of time where the
fence is that they shouldn't cross, then
they have a means to help keep themselves
from "falling off the cliff."
That's where boundaries come into play.
They don't sound so bad now, do they?
And all of this can be accomplished by a
simple "no."
Now, of course, you need to prioritize to
figure out what needs a "yes" and what
needs a "no."
Obviously, emergency based needs deserve
a "yes."
Serious needs deserve a "yes."
Needs that will have negative effects if you
don't do them usually deserve a "yes."
But if you are overwhelmed by all of these,
then pretty much everything else can get
a "no."
And some things might even stand for a
"wait."
Basically, that's when you say that yes,
you can do it, but it will have to wait until
you have the time and energy to get to it.
"No" can be an empowering word in your
life, and it can even empower the person
you are telling it to by setting clear
boundaries for them.
How many places in your life deserve a
"no?"
Your Friend,
Dave
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