Borderline Supporter, Do You Ever Wonder?
Published: Mon, 07/12/10
Hi,
How's it going?
I hope you're having a good day.
Do you ever wonder if it's worth it?
You know, if it's worth what you have
to go through just to get to those few
moments that you cherish with your
loved one?
Would it help to know that every
couple goes through that?
Whether one of them has borderline
personality disorder or not.
It just makes it more difficult when
you're dealing with the disorder,
that's all.
You have to try a little harder.
But the point is:
There are going to be disagreements
in any relationship.
Any time you get two people in such
an intimate relationship, there are
going to be times that they don't
agree.
The difference is in how they handle
these times.
That's how you decide if it's worth it
or not.
Is it worth going through all the fighting
to get to the other side?
That's what you have to ask yourself.
Because many couples give up way
too early.
They get tired of all the fighting.
Others leave because the fighting
gets out of hand.
In those cases, I don't blame them -
If the rage has escalated into violence,
then you might be forced into considering
leaving as well.
Especially if your loved one is in denial...
Or if they won't go for help for their
anger problem.
Once rage has turned to violence, something
drastic needs to be done if the relationship
is going to be salvaged at all.
That's one of the things I warn about in
my main course and resource:
SUPPORTING A LOVED ONE WITH BORDERLINE?
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/report/
NEED HELP EXPLAINING BORDERLINE PERSONALITY?
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/explainingborderline/
When things have gotten to that point,
it's hard to consider whether it's worth
it to stay.
Sometimes it's hard to see anything good
in the relationship at all at that point...
Because all the good is covered up by
violent rages and terrible fights.
But if your loved one is still willing
to go for help, such as anger management,
then there is still hope for your relationship.
But only if you are also willing - if you
have not given up.
It still takes willingness on the part of both
people to make the relationship work.
Say your loved one is willing to go for help
for their anger problem.
Are you going to trust them right away?
Probably not.
And that is normal.
It will take time for you to build up trust
in them again.
You probably have some deep-seated fear
built up as well.
It will also take time for that to go away.
The main thing is that your loved one is
willing to change.
Unless your loved one is willing to change,
there is no hope at all, and nothing else will
change, either.
You could change all you want, but the
relationship itself will not change unless
your loved one also changes.
And they won't change until they are
WILLING to change, like I said.
If they do it only for you, or just to stop the
fighting, it won't be a real change...
It won't be a permanent change.
It has to come from within them.
It has to be something they want to do.
First, they have to acknowledge that they
have an issue with anger.
This is kind of like the difference between
an alcoholic saying that they have a little
problem with drinking or saying that they
are a full blown alcoholic.
There are degrees of anger problems.
If your loved one has been driven to
violence because of their rage, they need
to own up to it, and get help for it.
If they just have a short fuse, that's not as
bad, but they still need to own up to it, and
get help for it.
You, though, have to decide if it's worth it
to wait until they have gotten help.
You have to decide if you want to stay in
the relationship, because it is going to take
some time for them to get better with their
anger problem.
You might just want to take a short break while
they are working things out.
Only you can make that decision.
Does your loved one have an anger management
problem?
Do you wonder if it's worth it for you to stay?
What are you going to do?
Your Friend,
Dave
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