Borderline Supporter? Ineffective vs. Effective When It Comes to Anger
Published: Mon, 07/26/10
Hi ,
How's it going?
I hope you're doing well.
Do you ever get angry?
I know, dumb question, right?
Everybody gets angry.
The important thing is what you
do with that anger.
Your loved one with borderline
personality disorder gets angry,
they all do.
In fact, that's one of their main
problems.
Especially in how they handle it.
And they don't handle it very well,
do they?
Their anger usually comes out in a
rage directed at you.
That's one of the biggest complaints
that I get from supporters of loved
ones with borderline personality disorder.
That's why I discuss it in my main
course and resource:
SUPPORTING A LOVED ONE WITH BORDERLINE?
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/report/
NEED HELP EXPLAINING BORDERLINE PERSONALITY?
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/explainingborderline/
Obviously, your loved one doesn't handle
anger very well, or they wouldn't go off
into a rage.
One reason could be that they 'stuff' their
anger until it boils over and comes out into
a rage.
Another reason is that the borderline makes
them react to a perceived slight or otherwise
unimportant event and they react to it in
anger.
Either way, they explode in rage.
What about you, though?
Remember I asked you if you ever get
angry?
And we said that everyone does?
The important thing is what you do with
that anger.
Hopefully, you're not in denial of your
anger.
Some people are.
They don't think they get angry.
They don't want to be like their loved one.
Yet they feel resentment toward their
loved one for their behavior.
They may even feel jealous that they get
to release their anger, while the supporter
cannot do that, because they are the
responsible and 'normal' one.
Well, let me tell you -
If you are feeling resentful toward your
loved one, you are angry.
Resentment is just repressed anger.
So what are you going to do about it?
You know that it would be ineffective
to yell back at your loved one when they
are yelling at you, right?
Yelling back at them will just make them
yell at you more.
Fighting back with just escalate the
disagreement and cause it to go on even
longer.
Fighting with a person who has borderline
personality disorder is totally ineffective
anyway.
You will never win.
They will keep on going until you finally
give up, because they have to be right,
no matter what (even if they are obviously
wrong, and you know it).
So what can you do about your own anger
that would be effective?
We know that fighting back is ineffective.
We know that yelling is ineffective.
What about talking about your anger?
Do you think that might be effective?
Of course, you can't do it in the middle
of the fight, but some time when your
loved one is calm and willing to listen
would be good.
You could say something like, "I really
feel angry when you..."
Feelings are not right or wrong, they
just are.
So when you word it this way, you are
just sharing your feelings.
You are not attacking them, or putting
them on the defensive, or blaming them.
That's what makes it an effective way of
talking about your anger.
Hopefully, your loved one will listen to
what you have to say.
Then you can discuss why you feel so
angry, and how to stop it.
If you don't feel like you can talk to your
loved one about your anger, maybe you
can get your feelings out another way.
Perhaps there is someone else you
can talk to?
Another family member, close friend,
clergy person, therapist, coworker, boss,
etc.?
Or if you have no one to talk to about it,
maybe you can write down your feelings of
anger into a journal or diary?
At least that way you wouldn't be 'stuffing'
them.
What do you think?
Do you agree that you need to get out your
anger in an effective way?
Do you think you can do that?
Have you tried talking to your loved one?
What happened?
Your Friend,
Dave
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