Borderline? Just Do Your Best
Published: Tue, 11/02/10
Hi ,
How's it going for you today?
I hope you're having a good
day.
Remember when you were young
and your parents told you to just
do your best?
And that's what you did -
You just tried to do your best.
In school...
At work...
At college...
In relationships...
As a parent...
As a person...
That's all, just your best.
If everyone just did their best,
the world would be a better
place, wouldn't it?
But some people give up too
easily.
They give in.
They compromise.
They give up.
Especially, they give up on
themselves.
They stop believing in
themselves.
They don't believe they can
do it.
That can happen to borderline
supporters.
That's why I tell people in my
main course and resource that
you've got to do the best you
can do as a supporter and not
to expect too much from yourself.
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That's right -
Just do your best.
But some supporters give up.
Like Candy, who told me that
she was about to give up on her
relationship with John, because
she felt that nothing she did was
good enough.
She said that she was trying her
best to please him in every way,
but he would still get mad at her
for every little thing, sometimes
even cussing her out and calling
her names, which would make
her cry, and he wouldn't even
care that he made her cry!
She said that made her feel
awful, as if he didn't even care
for her feelings at all, didn't care
that he hurt her. She said that she
felt really alone at those times -
more like John was her enemy
than her husband.
She said the biggest problem was
that she never knew what mood
John was going to be in when she
got home from work - that sometimes
he would be so loving, but other times
he would be just the opposite - he
could be really mean, accusing her
of all sorts of things, and getting mad
when she tried to defend herself
against these things that she supposedly
did (that she didn't do).
Candy told me she was thinking of
leaving John, that's how bad things had
gotten. She said that she was just so
frustrated that even her best wasn't good
enough any more, and she didn't know
what else to do.
I asked her if she had tried talking to
John and telling him how she felt, and
she said that she was too scared to -
that she was afraid that would make him
mad at her, too.
At this point, Candy's mind was pretty
made up that she was just going to leave
John. She had just given up.
I have had many borderline supporters
come to me with the same complaints,
asking, "What do you do when your
best just isn't good enough?"
I know how frustrating that can be,
especially when you get to the point
that you can't even talk to your loved
one about it anymore, because you're
afraid it's going to make them mad at
you too.
But I tell them to never underestimate
the power of communication.
Sometimes it's just the way you say
things that counts.
Like I told Candy, try telling him that
when he yells at you that you feel
scared. Feeling scared is something
that John can relate to.
He needs to know how desperate you're
feeling, and that it has gotten to the
point that you are thinking about leaving
him, as I'm sure he isn't even aware of
that, and he needs to know.
Tell him that his behavior has caused
you great hurt, so much so that you are
thinking about leaving him if he is not
willing to change, and give him the
opportunity to change.
Then the ball is in his court. He then
has to own up to his responsibility -
he has to admit that his behavior has
caused you hurt, and he has to decide
if it's worth it to him to change it or not.
A week later, I saw Candy again, and she
was all smiles! She said that it had worked!
John had admitted he had been harsh with
her and was trying to change!
Have you experienced anything like this
with your loved one?
What are your thoughts on this?
Your Friend,
Dave
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