Have this problem with Borderline Personality?
Published: Sun, 11/21/10
Hi ,
How's it going today?
I hope you're having a good
day.
There was a time when Brian wondered
if he ever would have a good day again.
Brian's live-in girlfriend, Joan, had
borderline personality disorder.
She really tried his patience. By the
time he came to me, he was ready to
kick her out. He felt under so much
pressure because he loved her and
didn't want to kick her out, but he just
couldn't tolerate her behavior any more,
and he was just so confused.
He said that sometimes she would act
like he was the greatest thing in the
world to her, while at other times, she
would push him away and not want
anything to do with him at all.
This would really confuse him, because
he wouldn't know what he did (or didn't
do) to cause Joan to act like that.
The worse thing was, she wouldn't talk
to him about it, so he didn't know. He
hated this breakdown in communication
worst of all.
Sometimes she would just completely
ignore him, as if he wasn't even in the
room at all, and this would really confuse
him even more.
He was at the point that he just couldn't
stand it any more. He had asked Joan
many times to explain herself, to no
avail. He told me he was "over it," and
ready to kick her out, rather than to go
through one more day of being ignored
or treated this way.
I tried to explain to him the phenomenon
of "push/pull" so characteristic of borderline
personality disorder, but he was having a
hard time relating to it.
Although he understood the concept, he
thought that if Joan really loved him, she
could stop doing that.
In my main course and resource, I explain
that some things are part of the disorder
itself and beyond the person's control, but
still it is hard for the supporter to take or
to understand, as in Brian's case, sometimes.
SUPPORTING A LOVED ONE WITH BORDERLINE?
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/report/
NEED HELP EXPLAINING BORDERLINE PERSONALITY?
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/explainingborderline/
I didn't see Brian for quite a while
after that, and when I did see him,
I asked him what had happened.
He told me that he gave Joan an
ultimatum -
He told her that she either stop the
behavior or she would have to leave.
Needless to say, a few weeks later,
Brian kicked Joan out of the apartment
and broke up with her.
It made me sad to hear that, but I
understood how it could happen.
Such a deep-seated phenomenon as the
push-pull of borderline personality disorder
cannot be changed overnight, or even over
a matter of weeks.
It takes long-term extensive therapy to
cope and deal with the issues behind this
phenomenon.
Now, I'm not saying that Joan was not
responsible for her behavior, as we all are
responsible for our behavior, but at least
part of it stemmed from her borderline
personality disorder, and she should have
been working on it in therapy.
Without it, there was reason for Brian to
break up with her, as she would not change
her behavior (could not change it).
Maybe with more and better communication
Brian and Joan might have had a chance,
as some other couples have been able to
make it work even when one of them has
borderline personality disorder.
But they really have to work at it, and the
communication skills have to be strong and
the lines of communication have to be open,
and both willing to be open and honest in
talking with each other.
It takes a great deal of understanding, as you
know, on the part of the supporter, to "get"
the sometimes confusing behavior of a person
with borderline personality disorder.
One of the basic characteristics that makes
them so confusing is their fear of abandonment.
Yet they then manifest behavior that makes
you want to abandon them!
They cling to you one minute, then push you
away the very next minute!
If this isn't confusing, I don't know what
is!
Without therapy, their own behavior is
often confusing to them as well.
However, with extensive therapy, the
person with borderline personality disorder
can begin to understand the roots of their
behavior so that they can change their
reaction to their feelings, and make better
choices and decisions.
Then their behavior will be different.
For example, instead of pushing their
supporter away, they will be more apt
to talk to them about how they are feeling.
Another problem they live with is the fact
that they see everything in black and white -
no gray areas.
So one minute they might idolize you, and
the next minute they might totally degrade
you, or think of you one minute as all good
and the next minute as all bad.
The problem is, they may think of themselves
that way as well.
This leads to big problems with self-esteem
which can lead to problems in the
relationship as well.
Again, with therapy, these issues can be dealt
with and behaviors can be changed as well.
What are your thoughts on this?
Your Friend,
Dave
===>> Great Resources For You <===
Get Your Own Subscription To This Newsletter Want your own copy of these
daily bipolar emails sent to you for F.ree? If so, visit:
http://www.bipolarcentral.com/register3
Get More Help On Borderline Personality Disorder Don't forget to take a look
through the different programs I've put together... each one is designed to
help you with a different area of borderline personality disorder whether
you have it or you are supporting someone with it.
You can see them all and get the details by visiting:
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/offers.shtml