Borderline Compassion Not Enough?
Published: Sun, 11/28/10
Hi ,
How are you doing today?
I hope you're doing well.
Let me ask you something:
When is it too much?
I mean, when is your compassion
actually harmful to the relationship
between you and your loved one?
In other words, do you sometimes
feel that you're giving more than
your loved one is?
Do you sometimes feel that it
isn't fair?
That's how Jim felt when he talked
to me at the gym one day about his
wife, Doreen.
He said that he loved his wife, but
that she was very demanding, and
that sometimes he just felt like no
matter how much he gave, or how
much he tried to show her he loved
her, it just wasn't enough.
Jim was really frustrated, and told
me so. He said that he had tried
everything to get Doreen to feel
loved, to make her happy, but she
just seemed so unhappy all the time.
Like nothing was good enough for
her. She would pick on him, sometimes
even calling him names! She would
start fights over nothing, or out of
nowhere, and Jim just didn't get it.
He would try not to fight back, but
sometimes he just couldn't hold his
temper, and then they would fight
for hours! He said it was awful.
Things were so strained at times
that they would just stop talking to
each other for days!
He was at the point that he just
didn't know what to do any more,
and he was asking me for advice.
To be honest with you, I didn't
know what to tell him at first.
In my main course and resource,
I talk about the signs and symptoms
of borderline personality disorder,
and some ways of coping and
dealing with it:
SUPPORTING A LOVED ONE WITH BORDERLINE?
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/report/
NEED HELP EXPLAINING BORDERLINE PERSONALITY?
http://www.borderlinecentral.com/explainingborderline/
So that's what I tried to do with
Jim.
I gave him an overview of the
basics of borderline personality
disorder, telling him that many
people with the disorder struggle
with self-esteem and ego issues.
Meaning that no matter how much
love you show them, they have no
self-love - they believe that there
is nothing about themselves to love,
which makes it hard when you are
doing everything you know of to
show them how much you love
them, and they don't return those
feelings.
It's just part of the disorder, I
explained to Jim.
This was hard for him to understand,
because he thought that if Doreen
really loved him like he loved her,
that she should be able to show him
like he was showing her.
This is hard for many supporters to
understand as well, but, like I said,
it is just part of the borderline
personality disorder.
Another thing about it is that they
have a tendency to see things as all
good or all bad, as black and white
with no gray areas.
So they may see themselves as all
bad, and nothing you can say or do
can change that.
It may take a great deal of extensive
long-term therapy to get them to see
themselves as worthy of being loved
sometimes.
That's one of the reasons that people
with borderline personality disorder
have such a hard time developing and
maintaining interpersonal relationships.
It's really hard to show love for someone
else when you can't show love for
yourself, or even consider yourself
worthy of being loved.
This goes all the way back to their
childhood for most people with
borderline personality disorder.
It's easily understood why Jim is so
frustrated.
He is giving so much to Doreen and
not getting what he feels he needs in
return.
That happens a lot in borderline
relationships.
Sometimes it can really seem unfair
to the supporter.
You give and you give, but you don't
get what you need in return.
Or worse yet, you get negative things
in return, like the fighting that Jim
described to me.
Fighting is common in borderline
relationships.
The problem with self-esteem that I
was just talking about can spill over
into accusations.
For instance, Jim told me that one
time, he was late coming home from
the office because there had been an
accident on the interstate, and Doreen
accused him of having an affair with
one of his coworkers!
Jim denied it of course, but Doreen
sulked about it for days, and no matter
how much love Jim showed her, she
refused to accept it or his denials of an
affair.
Can you relate to Jim's situation?
What are your thoughts on this?
Your Friend,
Dave
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